I just don't know

I know it has been a while but this has been a hectic and dare I say somewhat discouraging time for me I am in a plateau and frankly didn't think I would hit it this early in the journey.  I think I lost more weight in Weight Watchers and I eat so much less than I did then.  I think today the vegetarian thing comes to an end, my son quit yesterday and I don't feel like I have been getting enough protein and iron but more importantly due to my financial situation right now, I can't afford the variety of things that would make this more appealing.
I have been avoiding blogland because mentally it's been hard, I have said it before I feel like people are looking for me to have lost more weight.
I had another fill and not I officially have about 4.8ccs in my band and my doc says that most people get in a good spot about 5.5ccs with the band I have, so hopefully I'm getting close.  But I have been eating so much better than ever before but the scale just hates me, sometimes I wonder if I'm not eating enough, my water drinking has sucked, so I am determined to do better. 
My 40th birthday is tomorrow and I am upset that financially I am unable to celebrate it like I want to, although I definitely feel blessed to have made it this far.  With this birthday I am recommitting myself to turning my financial and weight loss situation around.  I have many things I want to do and I am determined that my 40's will be more productive than my 30's when I felt like I watched life happen. I want to make life happen and you guys can hold me to that.
I won't apologize any more for lack of blogging but just know that I think about you guys often and I know you guys are there for my support but I have still not learn how to completely open up, I have been shielding myself and internalizing my whole life, I am committed to changing that as well so please bear with me.

Update again soon...love you guys, smooches!

Still alive....stolen quote for the day!

New Pics

before

before









now @ 2mos out 42lbs down




now @ 2months out 42lbs down







Stolen Thought

Stolen thought for the day....I "borrowed" it from here!

Vegetarian food review: Veggie Patch Meatballs get two snaps up

As you all know my son and I are doing this vegetarian and so far so good, I've lost the weight I had gained and a little more as of today, but official weigh in is not until Friday and considering this is the week of my cycle I pray I can stay down. 

Anyhoo, just wanted to say I tried these vegetarian meatballs, because my son is such a meat addict I have to succumb to the faux meat until we find more veggies he likes.  So I made him a meatball sub with marinara sauce on fresh hoagie roll, I had one too except couldn't eat a lot of the bread.  It was good and I must say if I hadn't known I was eating faux meat I wouldn't have guessed.  My son killed his so that's a good sign as well.....so Veggie Patch Meatless Meatballs gets two snaps up!!

p.s. my water intake sucks and thats one area I'm usually good with...gotta get that together too.

UPDATE *disclaimer, I found out that these meatballs have textured vegetable protein which may not be all that great...more on that later

Fill number 3 is in the history books.

I got my 3rd fill yesterday and so far it seems that I actually have restriction, I won't speak too soon we will see in a couple of days.  The vegetarian thing is going pretty good so far, still having cheese and probably will for a while even though maybe once I get more acclimated I may transition to vegan. 
We have this restaurant called Evo's that offers properly raised beef hamburger as well as vegetarian and even vegan burgers, the fries there are airbaked and I took my son there because I'm proud that he stuck this out this week.  My son ate, slept, and breathed ground beef so this is more of a sacrifice for him and it's not like I'm making him do it, he is actually the reason I cut off meat cold turkey (no pun intended ha), the original plan was to transition. 
While at Evos, I observed that out of all the mom's that came in and out with their kids I was the only one above a size 2/4 and for those that actually sat in, none of them ordered their own food, they picked off their kids plate...I was like oh so starving is the key lol.
I promised pictures and they are coming the ones my son took are crappy and the lighting was bad so we are going to take some outside this weekend and I will post them.
Everyone have a good weekend, I think I may go see Unstoppable the new Denzel movie tomorrow, but I will keep you guys posted.

Vege...what?

After the last post on bacon, my son and I were in the bookstore this past weekend (we are there at least twice a week) I picked up a book I had seen on a previous visit, it is pictured above.  Let me preface this by saying that I have been attracted to the vegetarian/vegan lifestyle for years but could never make the commitment.  The closest I came is going about 5-6 years with no red meat or pork.  Well I started browsing this book and reading to my son some of the things they said about the slaughterhouses ( I will spare you the details) and we started talking about trying to become vegetarian and I was shocked because my son is the hamburger king. 
We made a plan to eliminate pork first (alas no bacon), then we would eliminate red meat...etc.  Well by the time we read some more he was like mom let's just do them all now.  Well of course I can't be the weak one so I agreed so I am now on day 4 of vegetarianism.  We haven't eliminate cheese yet so we are not all the way end at this point, he says his ultimate goal is to become vegan (we'll see).
I checked with the nutritionist at his school and everyday they provide vegetarian options which is good.  I had to tell Mr. Anti-veggie dude that he is not going to be a carb vegetarian, he needs to actually eat more veggies besides broccoli with cheese (he claims he likes, Ive never seen him eat), raw carrots and salad oh yeah and faux meat. 
So that's the plan, wish us luck.  Oh yeah and I go in for my 3rd fill Thursday right now, I'm about 2lbs from my lowest and I pray that this next fill gets me closer to the sweet spot.  I have been doing some resistance bands exercises but have yet to do a full sweat workout of any kind, I am ashamed to say.  Tomorrow is my 2 month bandiversary and I will post pics and break a sweat....that is my vow to you!!! lol

Fat Kid Loves Bacon

A kid after my own heart...bacon is good for me...Enjoy.

Not losing weight and frustrated..

I knew it could happen but I think we all secretly think it wont happen to us...the scale is up 4-5lbs from my lowest and it started with my cycle but it hasnt disappeared and my eating has been crap so I know why.  I don't have restriction and I'm in the bandster hell I've read about and I don't like it. 
Plus I feel like everyone is watching me, my sister asked me today how much I've lost I said well on any given day between 38-42lbs and she says well thats really not alot, really bitch I bet you can't do it in 2 months.  Because when you count the presurgery diet...(which excuse me people is all willpower) and this hell that I'm in now with no restriction, this weight was lost through my effort, not from the band. 
But I can't make excuses I want this to bad...so I'm going to schedule me another fill next week, but this week I'm getting real basic even breaking out the protein shakes almost pre-op style, the thought of going up in weight is making me depressed and depression makes me want to eat. I gotta get my head right though and persevere I can't go back and losing weight feels so good. 
I apologize again for my lackluster blogging, but even this post tonight took effort because I'm in such a funk and I am the type to hold bad feelings in because I don't feel like people get me, a prime example is the b.s. my sister said to me today, how would I ever be able to go to her and explain what I'm going through she is already looking at me like I failed.
I will keep you guys posted on my progress this week!
p.s. apologize again for the last post about bodily functions but it weirds me out.

What happened to silent Farts!

I just read Amy W's blog and it made me remember something that I've meaning to ask you guys, I get gas daily, not always the painful kind but just "I gotta fart" type gas.  But what has happened to my fart I no longer have short, small farts EVER.  THEY DON'T GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT EVER!!! They are loud and long and if I'm really honest they come in both scented and unscented but they are sooooooo long and sooooooooooooooooo loud, I can't dare try to sneak one out anywhere, ever.  I want my old farts back...not cool and not ladylike at all...
I know all of this is TMI but who else can help me but you guys!!

First time stuck...check!

Well Saturday I took my bestie and my flirt buddy some Popeye's chicken on their lunch break.  So we are all sitting there chatting and laughing and I break off a little piece of biscuit. I popped said little piece of biscuit in my mouth and chewed a little but in the midst of running my darn mouth I swallowed it and as it was going down I'm thinking will it get stuck, but I said nah nothing gets stuck and the piece wasn't that big. But it sat there and I could feel it.  I didn't know if the legendary sliming would start so I asked quickly to be let in the building to get some ice and while inside and getting ice and pretending to be engaged in what was on tv I was stretching my hands above my head (a friend said it works) and kept swallowing I sipped a bit of water (tiny bit) and after a little while I felt it going down.  So no sliming and it didn't come back up, but I have learned my lesson (I think), less talking more chewing.

Saturday my son was spending the night at my ex's house, so although it was not in the budget I got me a hotel room and stayed there all by my lonesome.  I really needed to rest because I don't know if I have fully gotten into it here but I am temporarily staying at my mom's house, I am wating for my newly married sister to find a place and I am going to take over her place.  She has bargain rent for a great amount of space in an ideal location.  Having said that my son is on one couch and I am on another, my mom has two foster kids and they each have their own room but we sleep in the middle of the house and because I'm a light sleeper I don't feel like I am ever fully rested.  So I got a nice room and slept and watched t.v. I had planned to blog but it was my first time pulling out my laptop since my sister's wedding weekend and it looks like they left my power cord in the hotel room, I just ordered that cord and the housekeeping department won't call me back so I am going to have to pay them a visit.
Oh and some chick called the room I was staying in and when I answered there was a pause and she says "Obviously I got the wrong number" I was like okay and then she asked for someone Sheldon? or something like that I was like no you have the wrong number. 
Well after I took a nap and ran out to grab something to eat I was watching tv and heard a knock at the door, but no one knew where I was so at first I thought maybe it was next door.  Then they knocked again so I went and answer by looking through the peephole and it was a lady basically saying that she was the one that had called earlier and that she was looking for some dude and he had lost his phone and that this room was the last place she knew him to be.  I told her well he is not here (all this through the door) and she stood there for a while like she didn't believe me and then she finally says ok thanks but still seemed hesitant about leaving.  I said dang drama is following me and I don't even know these people.
On the weight front I am up about 4lbs from my lowest and fluctuating around 40lbs down, I am focusing on my eating again and I am tempted to go for another fill but I am going to give it another week or two and see what happens.

Something to think about, I stole from another blog

I try and keep my promises

My sister's weddding went well, it wore us out though we had a bridesmaid/wedding coordinator drop out about 4 days before the wedding so all new decor had to be wrangled because she was provided the table decorations.  My sister basically offended the whole bridal party so there was this tension that I was afraid it was gonna ruin the whole weekend.  Luckily we got past that because as maid of honor, although offended, I had to stay focused on the big picture and be the middle man.  My mom upset me because she tried to justify my sister's behavior as usual, she wonders why I keep most of emotions inside because these people don't get me and my older sister has always been the one that needs all this attention and tiptoeing (sp) around.  I will post pics from the wedding as soon as I get some.  Believe or not after the wedding weekend I had gained weight and I didn't eat a lot of real food but I think the grazing on crap on the go did the trick plus PMS is always good for some nice weight gain due to water retention.  Luckily it didn't take but a couple of days to get back to my pre-wedding weight but it has been fluctuating up and down about 1-2 lbs. 
My eating has been less than stellar, I've been eating too many carbs and not enough protein and it is reflecting in my energy level (lack thereof) and my lack of weight loss.  I am ready to get back on track I also went in for another fill this week and my doc says that Im just short of 4ccs but sometimes I feel like I don't have a band still.  I can't eat as much as I used to but I sometimes get hungrier sooner than I should, Dr. D. says that the average sweet spot for people with my band is around 5ccs but it is different with everyone but you have to take your time to get there.  My first thought was why not start with 5ccs and go down from there, but thats just my impatient ass.
I haven't been keeping up with blogs and obviously not posting but I am going to catch up this weekend.  I have just been so tired lately.  I have to get my energy up and I know that means I need to get my fatass moving, but on the exercise front I have "watched" quite a few exercise routines on tv this week....yes I have watched them but haven't quite made it off the couch yet lol!  My mom actually watched with me one night and we got a good laugh...baby steps people...baby steps.
I am anemic and I know because I haven't been up on my vitamins and because my cycle has been on that is the main reason for my low energy.  I have fibroids so when my cycle is on the blood loss is outrageous which leaves me drained.  Thankfully it's gone now so hopefully that and my lower carb intake will help.
I've noticed that when I eat pasta or rice during the day I instantly get tired, before I would eat pasta and maybe a couple of hours later feel sluggish but now I eat it and within 10 mins I want a nap so bad I could cry.  I had this nasty smart ones frozen pasta meal one day for lunch and I ate about half of it threw it away and within minutes couldn't keep my eyes open.  So that makes it easier for me to want to limit that stuff especially while I'm at work.
My best friend also got married last week, so I had 2 weddings in like 5 days, 1 on Sunday and then another one on Friday, but luckily his was just a small ceremony at a nice restaurant and I didn't have to "do" anything but be there and show my support.  As my dinner entree I chose this flounder stuffed with crabmeat and it was delish but the portion size was huge so I mostly at the crabmeat but still a good bit got thrown away and I have to start learning how to not feel bad about that.
A friend of mine who had the lapband about 5 years ago has recently been motivated to actively work her band again, becaus initially I think she got it because she could, lost about 40lbs and then got kind of content with where she was, I don't know if I motivated her or not but she has been actively working the band now.  We were talking about how she still struggle with not ordering the large size because it seems to be a better deal. like if the difference between the small and large is only 50 cent why not just get the large, but then you feel bad for wasting so you end up trying to eat or drink more than you want or should.  You might as well just get the small to begin with because the deal isn't a deal if you are throwing it away. 
Also dealing with what my grandma used to say "your eyes are bigger than your belly", and with the band that literally becomes true,  when you do get hungry you think hell I'm so hungry I can eat 10 chicken wings,  no you can't, physically you cannot, but we are so used to being able to put away the food, probably used to be able to eat damn near 20, but now more 5 is more realistic.  But ordering 5 wings just doesn't look like enough, but it is and when will our minds get that.
I realized that I have lost 10% of my body weight so I will be posting pics soon, well really the wedding pictures can represent that loss, but I get frustrated because I want to lose more faster, I am happy with my progress and I feel the difference in my clothes, but I still feel like because I'm so big 40lbs is barely noticeable whereas on someone smaller it would be huge...patience I know, but it is not my strong suit and I have to fight the urge to self sabotage, that's the old me, me and Beyonce have work to do, I want to be at least about 8lbs down for a total of 50lbs before my birthday in December, of course 60lbs down would be better but I am not setting myself up for that kinda pressure...

STILL ALIVE

Hey guys I know I suck as a blogger lately and promise a whole post tomorrow, but with 2 weddings in 5 days, it's been kinda hectic and they have issued this thing about posting to blogs at work so thats a no go.  I had my 2nd fill yesterday, I've been maintaining not losing anything additional and I will update you guys on all that tomorrow....thanks to those that haven't "quit" me yet it will get better.

First fill....check!!

Tuesday I got my first fill and it was anticlimatic...which was a good thing.  I expected pain or something, but after going through questions with the wonderful Wendy, the great Dr. D. the most wonderful surgeon ever, came in and he and a new nurse teamed up for my fill.  I was wondering how he was gonna find the port under all this fluff, I really can't feel it, I think I can a little but not like those of you who start this journey half the weight I started at.
Anyway he asked me if I was feeling brave, I said not particularly, he laughed he did the lidocaine numbing thing which was a tiny sting. and then he played around until he got the fill done.  I drank the required cup of water with no problem and he told me that in as little as a week if I feel no change I could come back for another.  I know he gave me 3ccs but I am not sure what I started with or my band capacity, (I know its a size large) and I forgot to ask.  Everyone was quite pleased with my progress and I felt proud of myself.
Everyday this week they have been dumping crap (candy, cookies etc) on my desk at work and I would be lying if I said I didn't eat 2 starburst one day, a Reese's individual peanut butter cup the day after my fill (it seem like a mushy food)  and 4 of these sour strings today.  It is customer service week and why they are loading us on sugar to thank us for doing a good job (i don't deal with customers directly) is beyond me.  Reward me with non-edibles thank you very much.
Official weigh in tomorrow so let's see what customer service week has done to my hiney parts and this weekend is my sister's wedding and remind me to tell you guys about the bridezilla text from hell she sent to her bridal party causing one of the bridesmaid who was also the coordinator to drop out. Oy vey!
I will check in tomorrow and give you all an update!

Oh yeah Whole Fruit sorbet from Publix rocks!  It's naturally fat free but not sugar free and it is delish in moderation of course.

I lost 3.4lbs in one day....yeah I know it's crazy.

Let's just face I'm not a model lapband patient, I eat some crap, exercise is still M.I.A. unless you count the endless store and mall walking I have done for this freaking wedding, and I weigh myself morning and night religiously.  I only change my ticker after official weigh in on Fridays, but trust me the scale is visited twice a day. Okay well I weigh myself for my official weight on Friday and then Saturday morning I was a full 3.4lbs down, okkkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy, I was like what happen in my sleep, did some make and incision and steal a vital organ, I weighed myself umpteen times same result.  I weighed my 2 year old niece her weight was consistent I was like okay I'm gonna have to check this scale out.
Well Thursday night I tried what used to be my favorite jeans on to wear to work on Friday although they zipped the muffin top (to put it nicely) couldn't be ignore and it felt like I was squeezing my insides into something unhealthy.  Well Saturday after the mysterious weighin that night I tried them on again, much looser, like I would wear them now, my muffin top was the one I'm used to seeing, it's crazy so unofficially I am down 40.2lbs but that won't be official until Friday. 
My 1st fill got rescheduled to Tuesday, so we will see what their scale says, last time I went there was like a .8lb difference between theirs and mine, I am worried that they will not give me a fill because I am losing weight, but I want it because I feel like I get hungry too fast, I am definitely eating less but I get like the real stomach growling hunger pains sooner than I think I should and I just ignore them because I feel otherwise I will be snacking all the time and defeat the purpose.
On another note my birthday goal of being down 45lbs will definitely be down if anything close to this pace continues.  Because I still have 11 weeks and only 4.8lbs left to reach it, pretty psyched about that!
Thanks to everyone for all the kind words and support, you guys make this journey so much easier.

Move your FAT BUTT...but down another 2.8

I did not have physical relations with that DVD at all, hey guys the plan this week was for me to start doing my exercise dvd right?  Well I lied to you and myself, between stress at work and my sister's wedding countdown, oh yeah and simple laziness, I did no such thing.
I posted another 2.8lb weight loss today despite being a lardass, but I think to myself could that have been a 3.8 maybe even a 4 if I had sweated a little, perhaps.....but I will take it. Oh yeah and I ate some crap this week just not a lot of it.
I know this next will be crazier because it's the last week before the nuptials on 10/10 but I am going to do some exercise, I promise.

So now I'm down 36.8lb from my presurgery weight, yeppers and I never want to see that jelly again.

Win a great kitchen scale from Lady lapband!!!

Check out this awesome giveaway and enter for your chance to win a scale to help with portion control, and while you are there check out Lady Lapband's blog.!!!

What's on my plate

I have my first fill next week and I am anxious for it, I missed that feeling of satiation coming earlier rather than later and I am subsisting mostly on willpower, now don't get me wrong I can't eat as much as I used to but depending on the time of day 1 cup or less doesn't get me there. I don't expect the first fill to completely get me there either, but it will be a step towards getting me in to that good place.  Hmmmm, maybe I will be one of those people like Catherine and get to the sweet spot early and ride the wave to skinnydom.  Not!!!

Anyways this is my food plan for work today. 
Breakfast: Crustless quiche bite (adapted from Eggface) (I eat 1 or 2 depending) made with eggs, sausage, onions and cooked in a small muffin pan. So convenient, pretty much all protein, I'm gonna keep experimenting with ingredients I used what was on hand, next time add some green in it.
Snack: Chobani peach greek yogurt (good protein and my new love)
Lunch: Meatballs

I know you guys are probably like who cares...lol...but maybe someone new to this banded thing may find it interesting....

Oh, I can finally tell I'm losing weight, it's been kinda funky because at times I couldn't feel it, I'm like damn you so fat that 35lbs gone and you can't even tell it, but I can't feel it and see it a little now. Yippee!!!!

Oh yeah, in other news, I totally sat my wide booty in an chair with arms and didn't have to sit at the very edge of the chair, I actually kinda sat back, I usually avoid chairs with arms at all cost, I carry a lot of weight in the hip region, family curse/blessing. Now mind you, you probably couldn't  have buttered a piece of notebook paper and slid it along side of me, but the point is my arse was in the chair, and I take the victories as they come. 
Next up, getting rid of my seatbelt extender!

34.6 Beyotches!!! SASHA FIERCE...YOU BETTA WORK!

Yeppers today is weigh in day and I am down 34.6lbs and i am super pleased.  I weigh everyday don't get me wrong but I am gonna record it on Fridays, this week has been rough though because most of the time I am surviving on willpower and luckily most of the time when I think I want something when I get it I really don't.  Also had had some weight fluctuations because it was TTOM and that's always good for a good 3-5lbs, I retain water like a camel, swollen ankles and all.
**** NSV alert****
I had my follow at the surgeons this week and they were quite happy with my progress but more happy that my  heart rate has dropped by 20, blood pressure was on the high end of normal, gerd issues are gone (those disappeared after the hiatal hernia/tumor removal surgery).   I felt guilty while I was there because I lied to the exercise lady and told her I had started exercise and I really have in my mind, but my resolution for next week is to exercise at least 3 days, I know what I can do is still limited but I can do my walking and I will, you guys hold me to it.
My surgeon tells me that if I don't feel I need a fill in 2 weeks I can reschedule the appointment, the heck I will I don't really feel restriction now, I get hungry too soon and it's hunger that hurts and it appears out of nowhere.  But I am trying to be good because I don't want to gain too much during bandster hell, I want the scale to continue downward. I need to lose 10.4 more to make my birthday goal.
A lot of my blog buddies are in Chicago with the BOOBS and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous, but I will be at the next get together believe that!  I hope they have a great time, I am there in spirit. 


(I was gonna round by loss number up to 35 but I said a day will come when those .2, .4 etc losses/gains are gonna be crucial to my mental stability so no rounding up!!!)

Family pic from the bridal shower

From left to right my sister baby sis F, me, big sis U, and my mommy in front of the diva fan.  Like Oprah says everyone needs a glamour fan blowing when they take pics.

New face shots and new hair

The girls and I had drinks (well at least they did) on the eve of my sister's bridal shower, I came home and snap some face shots...just because lol!

B.Y.O.C. Bring your own crazy

1.. Last week we asked your favorite thing about being an adult. This week the question is: what is one thing you miss about being a child?

• I miss the innocence of it all, the play outside all day just be inside before dark, not worrying about pedophiles and gunplay.  I miss using my imagination, our video game was for after dark mostly (ATARI) because we played hard outside, we had an old cabinet we used as a stove, we picked a certain leaf to make collard greens, the leaves a certain fern was our rice (wow food theme), and certain rocks in water was our stew.  We created games out of what was outside, kids these days don't have to think as much they make toys to simulate everything. I missed that freedom of creativity without the stress of responsibility, I miss be able to read in a corner for hours on end to escape to other worlds without having to worry about other things I should be doing.

2. When you make a serious life decision – do you use your head or your heart?

More often than not it's my head and I regret sometimes because it takes the spontaneity out of it and it has allowed to make excuses for not doing things.  So what if it doesn't always work out, sometimes it does and maybe the journey to the end would've been fun.

3. In relation to blogs….are you a never commenter, a sometimes commenter, an almost always commenter or a direct emailer kinda person?

I'm a sometimes commenter, I comment when something moves me, but I am trying to be better about it especially for new bloggers because I know how much it meant to me when the people who inspire me (Draz, Steph, Amanda, Grace, Pamela, Cindylew, Miss Vickie...etc) consistently comment on my posts. But I definitely still lurk alot!

4. If life was a flavor – would it be savory, sweet or sour?

I think maybe savory, but probably because i like the way that sounds, and thought of being able savor everything about living.

5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in life or in blogland.

Well as a banded newbie this has been a week of getting acquainted with my new buddy Sasha Fierce, it's been about going back to work and making a committment to a new life. it's been about loving all you guys for showing me what is possible the good and the bad, the realistic and unrealistic, the thrill of victories and the way over obstacles. 

Opted out

Sometimes I feel like I opted out of my 30's, now that 40 is looming I sometimes regret having spent my 30's so overweight, so many missed opportunities, things that I passed on because of my weight. I sometimes wish I were more like Amy W. with the whole reverse body dysmorphic disorder because she never stop fully living. I hate that my son has missed out on things and lacks the confidence that he should have and I think that is a reflection on me. Now don't get me wrong I'm not a person that thinks I'm ugly or doesn't date or anything like that, but that whole not participating in things because I don't to run in to people that knew me when.

I think that can be a curse from being in the "in" crowd in high school, hell I was president of the entire student body, I ran assemblies and made morning announcements, everyone knew me. Well when you let your weight get so far out of control that old popularity can become a burden.

I am excited to now have a real chance to change my life, I know it's not too late, I know things happen when they are supposed to but I hope it is not too late to set an example for my son. I don't want him to allowed fear to stop him from living the life he is supposed to live. Even before the weight issue I developed a fear of failure and of taking chances. I saw myself as a realist a person who weighed the pros and cons, but I know now I used that as an excuse to not do things. I became a self-saboteur and now it pisses me off.

I should have been the attorney I dreamed of being since I was a baby, I should have written the books that I have literally felt called to write since I was young (ironically my son has been writing books since he was 3/4 years old when I taught him to read), but I get in my own way.
One of the reasons I think my weight got out of control is because it provided that excuse not to live, I have a personality that tends to make people cater to me, I am always popular at work or anywhere even when I don't want to be. It is my blessing and my curse.

But now I am choosing life and life more abundantly, I am going to have my own best interest at heart. I can do this and Sasha is gonna make it possible...

Ok I realized I was pushing it

Thanks for all the feedback on my crackhead birthday goals, I looked at a calendar and realized that's only about 13 weeks away, 30lbs riiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhttt! How about I strive for 15, I was gonna say 10 but I'm a big girl and I think that would be a cop out. I think a 1lb or 1.5lbs a week average is doable, I know how weight fluctuates from week to week and I am ready for that. In my experience because Im so heavy I lose a lot of weight initially faster than my counterparts half my size.
Today is my first day of mushies and I must admit I cheated yesterday and had some grits and a really soft scrambled egg eaten very slowly the waiter thought something was wrong with them...lol. I was bad and didn't have any protein drink yesterday but I am on it this morning, but yesterday everytime I even thought about drinking it my stomach turned lol. Time to add some variety.
I have to finish working on finalizing plans for my sister's bridal shower this Saturday, it is really crazy because I have never been to a bridal shower lol.

Well I just wanted to do a quick update and let you guys know that I don't live in LaLa land and that I have realistic expectations.

I always feel like somebody's watching me...

It's funny because my mom and sister have told everyone possible about me having lapband surgery and although I wasn't planning to keep it secret I do feel like everyone is going to monitor me now. I got a text from my coworker saying do you feel like you have lost weight yet, this was the day after surgery. My mom's friends are asking about weight loss, my sister's coworkers are asking if she can tell that I have lost weight yet. I better succeed because everyone and their mom is all up in my business.

I don't really feel it but as of this morning I am 31lbs down since 8/24, I am wondering when I start mushies will the scale stop moving every morning. I am not looking forward to the dreaded bandster hell and I pray Sasha has my back my first fill is scheduled for 10/7 which will be a month post op.

I am trying to come up with a realistic goal to strive for by my birthday on 12/20. It's 3 months away so would another 30 be too unrealistic. I'm going to give it more thought, also what's the exercise window post surgery, how long do I have to wait?

Good God!!! Sasha is no joke!

Man oh man, my son and I went to the bookstore per our usual weekend ritual plus I was getting stir crazy...I know my doc said wait a week before driving but since I'm not on the narcotic and have a good range of movement I drove.
Anyhoo I order a unsweet tea (large out of habit) and started drinking, no straw as instructed, but I drank about a quarter of a cup, not real fast, but holy moly it felt like I was gonna burst, I felt super full, had to get up and walk around. I felt like I'd had a 12 course dinner and it lasted for hours not as bad but a full feeling. I have to focus on getting my protein in because I just can't drink a lot and especially my muscle milk I am going to try the isopure tomorrow and hopefully that helps. I have been subsisting on protein shake, tomato soup (a little, had to have it), apple juice, water, crush ice and today some gatorade.
I have this weird sensation sometimes when I guess I'm hungry but they are painful hunger pangs and I swear I feel rise from one part of my stomach to another, really weird. And often I still don't have the desire to eat anything, so I will sip on the protein shake just cuz. I pour my drinks into this tiny cup like the kind you measure meds in, they gave them to me in the hospital to help me learn to sip.
I have also been giving myself the blood thinner shots which my son is weirdly fascinated with. All and all today was a lot better. I went and got me some sugarfree popsicles, soup and other mushies since I start mushies Tuesday.
Well that's all I have to report on Sasha and I we are still getting acquainted but she says she has my back...we'll see!

I made it

Well I can't believe it's done I can't believe it. The surgery was pretty routine quite a few people at the hospital remembered me from my previous stays. They were able to get my i.v. on the first try without calling in specialists, my surgeon was a little late getting in, I was his first of the day scheduled at 7:30am but I had to arrive at the hospital at 5:45a.m. My mom wondered why so early and I say if you are starving yourself why pick a later appointment, I want to get in and get it over with.
Anyway all went well, but I must say that I had more pain this time then with the previous surgeries and I wanted to post so bad but I was getting really nauseous (I think it was from the morphine) and when I wasn't nauseous I could barely keep my eyes open, but I wanted to at least let you guys know it was a done deal. My mom told me that when my surgeon came out to talk to her he gave her the box that my band came in so she could "prove to Mimi that she got the band"
Today I have been sipping on protein drinks and apple juice, I tried to eat some sugarfree jello but I couldn't deal with the taste and threw it away. Tomorrow I will add some broth and some popsicles to the repertoire lol. I have to be on all liquids for the next 4 days then I move to soft foods. I know I didn't consume enough today and I've been getting something like hunger pangs but in a weird way.
It's funny to me though how I was so anxious to give you guys and update more than I was really worried about giving friends and family an update. Thanks for all the encouragement as I start this new phase of the this journey...now I want to come up with a name.....hmmm maybe "Sasha Fierce" a la Beyonce.

I'm banded y'all

Very nauseous will update later. Thanks for the support

Today is it...band or bust!

Well family, it is super early in the morning and I am on my way to the hospital for my surgery. I am my doc's first surgery of the day exactly how I wanted it. Keep me in your prayers and I will post as soon as I am coherent. Thanks for all the support despite my lousy blogging lately. All I know is that I better wake up with a band or you will be seeing me on the news lol!

Tardy to the BYOC party

For anyone new, BYOC stands for Bring Your Own Craziness and it’s 5 questions every Friday (unless I’m in Louisiana visiting gators and squashing skeeters) where we get to know each other better. Copy to your blog and answer if you want to….and have fun!!

1. In the spirit of back to school time - what is your favorite school supply?

* Like Draz I am a school supply freak, I love the supply aisle at any store, this time of year the sales on school supplies are like Christmas for me. Between St@ples, Office Dep0t, and T@rget,
I thrive on supplies. My absolute fave thing has to be pens, I am a pen whore, it's so bad that I know that pharmaceutical sales reps used to give the best writing pens to the doctor offices and I would always steal them. At my primary care doc (being going since I was 17) his sister who works upfront would have stacks of pens waiting for me whenever I had an appointment and she was sad to tell me that new regulations prevent the pharm reps from leaving them anymore.
I am a person that if you let me use your pen and I like the way it writes I will note what brand it is and go purchase. It is sick but my son has enough supplies to last him until college but every year at this time I'm in the stores again. (Thanks for this one, Draz)

2. Assume your house is on fire and the whole thing is going to burn to the ground and your loved ones are out and safe….and you have a few minutes to grab 5 things. Just five. What would they be?

* Any pictures I could grab, I too don't have a lot from my childhood, my mom was a kid herself when she got married and over the years has moved a lot and things just weren't kept.

* My flat screen t.v. just cause my bestie gave it to me when my son fell into mine and that was my first real expensive splurge for myself ever.

* My laptop

* This ugly house that my son made in kindergarten that now embarasses him and he hates that I won't throw it away but I think it's beautiful.

*Some underwear...self explanatory (especially if it's in the middle of the nite more than likely wont have any on lol)

3. In the spirit of my new found love on vacation – what is your favorite drink – alcoholic or not?

Toss up between a properly made Arnold Palmer (lemonade and sweet tea mix) and McD0nald's coke, I love coke in general but the ones in McD0nalds fountain are extra special.

4. When is your birthday (if you want to say, no year needed) and what is your Zodiac sign. Does your sign match your personality?

• December 20. I am a Sagittarius
Traits of a Sagittarius woman:
• Lacks tact at times very blunt-hecky yeah
• Charming- yes
• Realist see things how they are and says it-Def Yes
• Optimistic but not irrational- most times I try to be
• Very indepent love freedom-almost too much
• Intelligent and philosophical-my nickname in middle school/high school was "the professor"
• Holds no grudges – I rarely stay mad at anyone it becomes a nonissue quickly
• Denies sadness– definitely a hider of feelings people think I'm ok when I'm so not.
• Sensual – ummmm maybe??
• Indulgent– obviously to excess lol.
• Impatient to be moving– I feel restless a lot.

Likes...

• unlimited freedom
• alternative or unusual ideas
• being on the move
• plentiful food and drink (no shit)
• perfumes and beauty aids
• gambling, raffles and lotteries ( not at all)
• recreational flirting :)


Dislikes...
• disapproval of others
• being confined
• administrative details
• having their basic honesty doubted

5. A little spin on my repeat question. I usually ask which blog or comment stuck with you and why? You can answer that as usual or how about just giving a summary of your week or how you feel about blogland this past week or anything you noticed…does that make sense?

Let me just say the whole"Amy can tuck her shirt in her pants and look hot"stuck out to me damn her!!!!!

Pre-Op diet round 2

My pre-op diet is not going as stellar as it did the first time, I am doing good most of the time but I have eaten some things I shouldn't have and I think it is my self-sabotage kicking in. I just pray that this time the surgery is successful I am ready to get this show on the road.
Last nite I let this 22 year old that has been crushing on me for the last 3 years come over and when had a talk, 3 years ago when he first starting liking me and flirting with me I was kind of in a lonely place and somehow we had a few encounters....not sex per se, but some make out sessions that got pretty intense (I'll leave it at that, I'm in denial). Anyway I could never really get into because damn he was 19 he is a sweetie but our priorities are completely different. Anyway apparently I left a lasting impression because over the last 3 years he has texted me hundreds of time trying to just see me, (we used to work in the same building, but I accepted a promotion that worked out of another building) but largely I avoided it because I thought what's the point.
Last nite he talked about how much he missed me and the times we spent together were some of the best times he has ever had. It really make me think how it's funny how we can affect someone and not know the extent, he is a cute young guy, responsible, and hard-working and I was his buddy first so I know I am not his type and I tell him that but he says I am his exception and he thinks I'm sexy. Well I am not good with compliments as it is but coming from a 19 year old I really wasnt believing it, but the fact that 3 years after we last saw each other he is still trying to have some sort of relationship and he just wants to see me anywhere, anyway, that just flabbergasts me.
Then today my son and I hung out with my most recent ex-boyfriend. I've mentioned him before, he is the one who offered to pay for the gym membership (I haven't taken advantage of but told him I definitely will after the surgery). Anyway we went to eat today and then to see the movie The American with George Clooney. We always have a good time and we are very comfortable with each other but I know he is still seeing his most recent ex (the girl after me) and he is also having mad baby mama drama. He is the primary custody holder of his son but recently the son's mother moved here to Tampa and she still wants to be with him even though he wants nothing to do with her and she has a problem with his most recent ex, so they argue constantly. He let me listen to a part of their convo today and if he has to go thru that everytime they talk I see why he says he is exhausted. I love his son but I can't see him, because of the situation with the mom, the fact that the ex is still around, it is too much to throw me back in the mix. It hurts me though because although I didn't think I could ever get back with my ex, although our relationship was great, when I hang out with him I miss him. I just don't have a place and I don't like that even though he swears I do and I see his conflicted between my feelings for me and doing what's right for his son. I think I am going to step back again and just focus on what's going on in my life and get it together and the rest will work out.
Ok enough of the that....in about 55 hours I am scheduled or surgery, I need all the prayers I can get guys so hook me up!!!

Love ya!

Got a new surgery date....finally!!

Hey guys thanks for forgiving me for being such a loser when it comes to blogging lately and I'm trying to get out of this funky cloud that's been following me around. I went to see my surgeon on Tuesday and he agreed to do the surgery, but they had to get a new authorization from my insurance company. Well yesterday I got the call and the surgery is set for the 8th and I am very happy with that.
There has been a lot of crazy stuff going on financially and personally and everytime I think of sitting down to write about it, it just overwhelms me. My surgeon (who I love) gave me the side-eye when I went in because in the 12 days since I last saw him I had gained 10lbs lol who the heck does that! Me that's who!
I'm guessing the water retention from my cycle and the pity party I threw last weekend complete with cookies and bored eating made this accomplishment possible. It rained all weekend here (well its been raining every single day) so I basically copped a squat on the couch, cried at everything and ate at random. As much as I love him I was gonna say Dr. Dietrick, don't gimme no shit I'm going through it right now man! And if I had a grip on this B.S. I wouldn't be in here stalking you! But luckily it didn't come to that.
It's funny cuz I feel those 10lbs too, not just in the whole clothes tight way but in a weighed down with burden kind of way. I am now like 4lbs under my known heaviest ever (but I didn't exactly weigh myself a lot) but I feel like I'm 20lbs over my heaviest, but I know that's because of the funk I am in.
So now I am back on the lovely pre-op diet, 2 protein shakes a day and 1 meal of meat and green veggies, the last time I lost like 23lbs in 12 days so I'm hoping for a repeat!
I am gonna share some of the reasons for my funkiness later I just wanted to share the good news with you patient people who have been so kind to me.

Later for now!!

I'm still here

I'm still here I know I suck as a blogger...I will be back soon, I am in a funk and plus I'm packing to move, things are hectic. I haven't been a good blogger or even a good lurker, but I promise I will be back soon I do have some things to share, just can't make myself do it. I wish I could drive up to Orlando and see Grace and other bloggers this weekend, but I don't think I can swing it :( But I promise more soon, maybe even later tonight...if I have any people still reading don't give up on me yet!

B.Y.O.C. BRING YOUR OWN CRAZY

Time for BYOC – a little diddy where you answer 5 questions in your blog so we all get to know each other better and to give your fried brain a break! Enjoy!

1. This is something a bit different and comes from my lovey dove Barbara (My NEW LIFE rules). It’s called “Which one would you rather?”

Tom Cruise
or Tom Brady?

Mr. Big (Sex and the City) or
Tony Little (exercise nut)?

Whoopi Goldberg or
Making whoopi?**

Can I say neither? I like Tom Cruise but he kinda weirds me out now and although I love football after what Tom Brady did to his baby mama it makes me think he's a douche. So I will take Katie Holmes or Bridget Monayhan(Tom B's baby mama). Yep I'd rather be a lesbian than choose between those dudes.
Most definitely Mr. Big, his swagger is unreal and although he can be typical sometimes overall i would take my chances. Tony Little is weirdly shaped and a bit scary.
Well as a person who has been living on self-imposed Celibacy Island for the last year I'd have to say making whoopi for $500 Meredith...final answer.


2. I know some of us have discussed this before but I’ve been thinking and hearing it more in blog land as many of you are getting closer to goal. How do you feel about plastic surgery? What lengths would you go to in order to achieve it?
** I'm all for it within reason, changing your face so that you no longer resemble your former self is ridiculous unless you are witness protection. Altering your looks to look like a celebrity speaks to self esteem issues I'm not down with. Cutting away a gazillion pounds of flab after you have done an kickass weight loss is your God-given right! Pulling the boobies up so your nipples stop getting lost in your navel or swiping your bikini line is awesome! So I'm all for plastic surgery and not just for weight loss if you can do something that makes you feel better about yourself and your view of yourself is not crazily skewed I say go for it.
I am prepared to sell a kidney or two, fulfill someone's flabby fetish or whatever it takes to have it because when I lose all this weight I know I will need it.


3. What’s your favorite website?
** This is hard I am a junkie, I like a lot design websites like Apartment Therapy and cooking sites like smitten kitchen, gotta have my gossip so People and Us mag sites as well.


4. What’s your best tip for having a great vacation?
Go somewhere your cell phone doesn't work especially if you have your kids with you, see if you can truly disconnect and enjoy.


5. Repeat question….which blog or comment stuck with you the most this week and why?

**DROPPING MY HEAD IN SHAME AND DISGUST****

B.Y.O.C. BRING YOUR OWN CRAZY

BYOC my little bumblebees....we get to know each other better and we get a free blog topic for our fried brains! Join in if you want and ENJOY!
1. What is your favorite genre of movies? (comedy/romance/horror/action)
* I like movies period. I favor romantic comedies and action movies. But I also have a love for kids' movies, it really depends on my mood.
2. What do you order when you eat Chinese food?
* I love chinese food, I eat almost any of the meat and veggie dishes like beef and broccoli. I also love lo mein, fried rice, wonton soup, egg drop soup all of it...
3. Okay no one kill me for this one - and don't answer if you don't want to BUT I just saw some preview for Dr. Phil on swingers and I wondered - what's your take on swingers.....for it, against it, do it, would never do it, etc.?
* I say to each his own if it works for you do your thing. I personally couldn't see myself doing it because I can't separate my feelings like, I've never successfully had a one night stand, it always developed into some type of relationship.
4. Let's go back to a repeat question. Pick one thing you'll do one next week that is for your physical/mental health.
* I am going to get up the courage to join a gym
5. Repeat question. Which blog or comment stuck with you the most this week and why?
I like everyone felt for Draz and what she is going through, I was mad at Grace for losing weight during her pity party and I've pity partying for a month and haven't lost an ounce, lol. Kudos to Catherine and Grace for their progess pics. There are more but I am dozing at the computer so I can't think of them

Same old, same old

There is nothing much new going on here and that's why my blog is stuck, I feel stuck. I feel like I am in limbo and I am fighting hard not get depressed about all the things going on in my life and realize that despite my issues I have it better than a lot of other people.
I found out that my paternal grandmother had to have her leg amputated today due complications from diabetes. I have not seen my grandmother in years and its a shame really because I don't live far from her, but we have never been particularly close and since she has been sick I am a little afraid of going to see her because after holding my maternal grandmother/best friend's hand as she took her last breath, I haven't been able to force myself to go. Sometimes I hate that I wasn't close to my paternal grandparents but being raised mostly by mom although my dad was always available his family had issues and there was a feeling a long time from what I gather that my mom wasn't "good" enough for my dad. My dad has eleven siblings and yet and still they were considered middle class. My mom's family moved here from a small town in Georgia and were poor for a long time, but my daddy loved my mom and they were married when my mom was like 16/17 and he was like 19/20, I trip out thinking that by 17 my mom was married with 2 small kids. My dad was in the army by the time I was born (2nd child) and they grew apart because my mom said by the time he finished with his enlistment she was no longer the little girl that he left.
Anyway on the weight front I am going to try to check out a gym this weekend since my ex is footing the bill. He wants me to join a branch of the gym he belongs to, although I can choose wherever I want, his gym seems cool except the only one near me is in this bourgie area where it looks like everyone works out all day, I am going to have to put my big girl panties on and venture in.
Before I go because I really should have my insomniac arse in bed, I am gonna borrow something from a post Amy W did this week about what she knows for sure.
I know for sure:
1. Nobody has it all together despite outward appearances, everyone has issues, doubts and fears.
2. There is always someone worse off then you, even your rock bottom could be a step up from someone else's bottoms.
3. Sometimes it's better to be the bad guy. In relationships someone has to know when to call it quits, in both love relationships and friendships sometimes there comes a time when if the parties are honest they know it is not working, but no one wants to call it. I think you should call it even if it makes you the bad guy, otherwise problems fester and it can become an ugly thing because it was allow to drag out longer than it should. I can honestly say I have never had an ugly breakup because I will be the bad guy if I have to. The same applies for toxic friendships, sometimes you have to remove yourself from the everyday in order to remain sane and remain friends.
The lyrics to a song by Chrisette Michele "Blame it on me" says it best:
(Chorus) Blame it on me, say it's my fault
Say that I left you outside in the cold with a broken heart
I really don't care, I ain't crying no more
Say I'm a liar, a cheater, say anything that you want as long as it over
(another verse) You thought it was meant to be, I admit so did I
Every once in a while you think you figured it out
Sometimes you're not right....
4. It takes too much energy to remain angry. It really does drain you and also it gives power to the person you are angry with. You better blow that ish out
5. Karma is a bitch, I honestly believe you reap what you sow. I know it is a worn cliche' but I believe in the power of the words. That's what allows me not to be a jealous person in relationships, I believe if someone is cheating or doing foul things, I don't have to look for it, things done in the dark will come to the light without any action on my part as long as I leave myself open to truth. Not that I am some deep person but I am learning to trust my intuition and knowledge of people, some of my friends say I have psychic powers but I don't, I just know people and most of the time I trust my instincts. Also I put nothing past anyone because we are all flawed humans, so I tend to be less shocked by people's behavior.
Okay let me end this loooooong post and I hope everyone is doing well and thanks for hanging in there with my piss poor blogging.

Saga continues

I just realized that somewhere a post was lost I wanted to revisit it, those who have been reading awhile may remember that over the 4th of July weekend I had to visit a walk-in clinic due to some swelling in one of my thighs and I wanted to make sure it wasn't a blood clot, long story short the doctor says she believed it was an insect bite it didn't have the feel of a clot. Fast forward 2+ weeks and it's still there so I make a visit to my primary doctor who immediately says it's not an insect bite he thinks it may be a clot. Um excuse me WTF. He said that I needed to get an ultrasound done on my leg so they scheduled me an appointment for the next day(Thursday). So for the remainder of Wednesday I was a paranoid fool (no one knew though) thinking that when I go to sleep this clot is going to dislodge and go to my lungs, rationally I told myself that I've had for 2 weeks what's one more nite, but the cuckoo in me was still scared.
Bottom line is I got the ultrasound and it is definitely not a clot "Thank you Jesus", but now I am left with the obvious "what the hell is it", my doctor wants me to go and see a vascular specialist but I haven't been able to get an appointment prior to Aug 9th. My next appointment with my surgeon is on the 12th and I really wanted to have this resolved by then, but it seems like when I was calling around the docs were going on vacay...so I'm gonna try a couple more tomorrow.
I must say this has been the a frustrating process, I love the blogworld I've become a part of and I can't wait to get to the next step, and the thing is although I have been heavy for most of my adult life, I have been relatively healthy, prior to last year I had never spent the nite in the hospital except for when I gave birth to my son. Well now I'm like a smorgasbord of medical issues, but I am grateful to have the insurance and what I need to get it done, even though all this different opinions can make you batty. I know my time is coming and I can't wait. The good news is I spent time with an ex this weekend and he has offered to pay for a gym membership for me, it is very hard for me to accept things for people but I think I will let him know tomorrow that I accept his offer...
Well I'm going to end this now I have some more stuff to talk about but you guys are going to have to watch your blogroll with baited breath but I need to go to bed because my alarm will be going off in just a little over 3 hours...gonna started Monday off crazy!

Love you guys and thanks for the support! Excuse any typos...whew look at the time!

B.Y.O.C. BRING YOUR OWN CUCKOO!!!!

It’s time for BYOC Friday. Get to know your fellow bloggers better AND give your blogging brain a break! Enjoy!
1. Let’s brag a little….what’s the best perk you’ve ever had in your job (current or past)? Any employment counts - even if you’re a stay at home mom – you have perks (and the hardest job ever in my opinion)
.• I work at a cable company and I get free cable and internet service. This includes all the premium channels and discounts on PPV movies. Our parent company is in publishing so I get really good discounts on some magazines subscriptions, I have opportunities to be in parades, I've gotten free concert tickets, get to work at a lot of events (I don't because I lot of them are outside and that's another reason I want to lose this week. I also used to work for a major magazine publishing company we were the fulfillment side of the company and we ran catalogs for S.I. , WCW, and M. Stewart, so items from those catalogs people would spend 100's of dollars on we would get at employee sales for a couple bucks, I was too young to appreciate the M.Stewart household stuff then so I gave most of it away. Martha actually came down and walked through the center and we met some of the wrestlers, it was cool.
2. Do you ever lie in your blog? Not really lie, I leave things out because I don't want to be a drag but I tell the condensed version of events in the interest of keeping posts shorter
.3. What do you wear to bed? It varies, a lot of time nothing or tops no bottoms or bottoms no tops, I wear a little of nothing all the time I'm at home.
4. Where do you go for advice? Simply put, the refrigerator, I eat my issues rather than share them, I try to go to my mom sometimes, but I am the middle child and my siblings always have some bigger drama going so I feel I get lost in the shuffle, so I keep most things inside. Also I have very few people I consider friends and even with them it is hard for me to show weakness, it is something I have to work on.
5. Repeat question. Make someone a superstar without using a blog award. What comment or blog stuck with you the most this week and why? I've been a self absorbed blogger this week and so I have been neglectful in reading and commenting so can I take a pass on this question.

Living my own life

At what point in life do you get to stop living by others' expectations and do what you want to without guilt. I grew up thinking that my family loved me because they had to, and that none of them really liked me. I had a favorite aunt who really used to take my side and fought for me but she passed away when I was in a 6th grade. I remember it like yesterday I was already sad because I came in 2nd in the school spelling bee (nerd much) and then I get out of school and found out she had died.
Ok I digress, but really I feel like I have fought my family my whole life so then I became the person that does stuff to please even though I really didn't want to. I began to feel used like people called on me when they needed stuff but when they went to do something fun they called my sister. So rather than turn people down I sort of started to withdrawmy self and put on this demeanor that made people uncomfortable asking for stuff from me in the first place. The thing is, that is not really me either, but I prefer being perceived that way rather than being a person who is taken advantage of, but somewhere the real person gets lost.
I think that it's amazing that no one (probably myself included?) really knows who I am, I grew with an older sister I always felt that I had to measure up to, she was the natural athlete, I was a gifted student with athletic abilities, but I downplayed my intelligence to become an athlete like her because I felt more people got excited about sports than how many A's I got on my report card or what honor societies I got into. I remember seeing an old journal where I complained about being fat at 137lbs(now I weigh that in one leg) because at the time my sister was probably a size 0.
As you can see again my mind is all over the place, anyways, my mom is probably one of the most giving people I know, she had to help raise her brother and sister and by the age of 18 she was married with two kids. She has literally been taking care of people her whole life except for about a year she went to live in California and we stayed with my grandmother. She has helped raise her nieces and nephews, random strangers, when my grandmother got really sick, refused to put her in a nursing home and so she cut her business down to the bare minimum and took care of my "Bigma" until she took her last breath....ok now I'm crying. Even as we speak she has two teenage foster sons, she truly is amazing but she has missed out on a lot. She has made a lot of sacrifices but she is young enough to still want male company and do things but the path she has chosen to take is not conducive to dating and travelling.
I love her for what she does but she has this expectation that we should be the same way, right now my sister is working 4 days a week from 3:30pm to 2am and she has 2 kids ages 9 and 2, which means Wed-Fri I keep them until 2am and Saturday evenings my mom does. I have to get up to go to work at 5ish am so needless to say dealing with a 2 year old is not fun. My sister has this expectation that her family is supposed to help her just because, although I get help with my son occasionally and got more help when he was younger, I never expected it. I don't mind helping but 3 days a week is a lot, picking them up from 2 different places, making sure they eat, changing diapers, making sure baths are taken, put them to bed not to mention when school is in I have to help my son with his homework and cooking etc. My sister picks my son up and takes him to school everyday that's supposed to be a trade off, but I don't think so. She spends about 15 mins a day with him, I spend about 30 hours a week with hers. My mom says that we should be happy to help with each others kids, helping is one thing this a job, when am I supposed to have a life? My sister is getting married in October and I am ecstatic for her but when am I gonna have time to find someone and if I do find him when am I gonna get to spend time with him? My sister doesn't like staying home with her own kids, she tells people all the time she rather work than be home with them, she has two great kids but they are very needy when it comes to attention, my son is like me happy to spend time alone, he reads books and can amuse himself. My niece and nephew have to constantly be doing something to be seen, the 2 year old (niece) likes to scream at the top of her lungs for no reason. I love her to death but sometimes when she is here I want to be drunk or stoned REALLY BAD!
I feel like if I stop keeping them it will all fall on my mom, everyone will look at me like I'm the bad guy and if I ever need help with my son they are going to look at me sideways. But yet when I asked my mom to take another day, so we can be 2 and 2 at first she agreed then she said it was too much. But I'm supposed to be cool with it.
Should I care? Should I just revised the terms and say I will only do 2 days? I'm sorry for the long post but I am going through a bunch of things right now financially and you guys know about the surgery frustration and this is just adding to the stress to the point that sometimes I think about moving away from Tampa to escape the expectations....Am I crazy or selfish?

B.Y.O.C. Bring your on CRAZY!!!!

It’s give your brain a break Friday – BYOC! A whole blog entry ready for the taking….just copy and paste the questions into your blog and answer away. It’s our way of getting to know new and old bloggers a little better! Enjoy!

1. Because I’m going hardcore on Monday to lose my last 15 before vacation I’m curious….what’s the oddest diet you have tried? Or which ones have you tried and were any successful?
• Although I am a qualified diet expert, I didn't try a lot of fad diets because I'm a natural skeptic and I read too much so really besides some Slimfast, finding some success with Weight Watchers and just trying to cut back carbs (never strict low carb) I didn't do a lot of crazy things, although looking back my life was apparently put at risk when my doctor had me on phen/fen briefly but luckily I suck at remembering to take pills.
Oh yeah and when I took what is now ALLI, back then it was a prescription only drug and it was crazy because I remember (stop reading if you're squeamish) I thought I had to pass gas and I soiled my clothes with grease it was an Oil Poot...seriously it was weird and gross at the same time. When you pooped you'd see grease in the toilet...crazy.
2. Do you prefer baths or showers?
• I like the relaxation aspect of a bath but honestly as I get older baths gross me out, I feel like I'm marinating in my body filth, I know it's crazy, but I think about germs more now. I'm not OCD with it but it's stuff like baths and going to buffets and touching spoons to serve myself that everyone else has touched, things like that. Also before stores start putting out hand sanitizing wipes for the carts, shopping carts had starting grossing me out a bit.....okay maybe a little OCD.
3. What is your favorite breakfast food?
• G.R.I.T.S.....period. Bacon comes a close second, but there is nothing better for breakfast than grits. Maybe because I am a grit "Girl Raised In The South, I can eat them morning, noon and nite.
4. What’s your least favorite word?
• Let me get back to you on that
5. Repeat question…make someone a Superstar for a day! Whose blog or comment spoke to you or stuck with you the most this week and why?
Grace feels like a sister and I was having a rough week so I commiserated with her.
Amy W. and the fact that she survived running in the Florida heat alone makes me want to "skin her and wear her like last season's Versace" (modified quote from Real Housewives of New Jersey). I can't breathe out there standing still.


p.s. once you get a certain size baths aren't as fun in regular sized tubs cause when you sit down all the water gushing over the top of the tub and makes a mess on the floor.....who wants to clean that up lol!

Bonus Post...

Hey today you get a two-fer. Here are some recent face shots sporting a new wig....lol!

I'm still here

I know it's bad, I just have been in a funk and I had every intention of joining Drazil on her Wish Wednesday bandwagon, but yesterday was kind of hectic and I didn't do it. Well I am going to post a pic from the weekend to show what I was up to Sunday. My sister is getting married on 10/10/10 and I am her maid of honor (although I was never asked to be). We picked out bridesmaids dresses Sunday and went to a new restaurant here called Brickhouse Tavern it was really cool but I swear the waitstaff and servers girls must've been instructed to find cutoff denim shorts from when you were 10 years old squeeze into them and that is your uniform. When it was time to bring the food to the table 4 came together each carrying a plate. I was like "whoa that's way too much coochie near the table". We also split a "beer bong" and no we weren't smoking dope its what they called the beer container which you see in the pic. I had chicken and waffles (so healthy I know) and it was really good and even better because they ended up comping it because there was a delay in serving it.

Other than that I still have not been getting much sleep I can't seem to turn my brain off and I haven't started getting back into any workout routine but i aim to change that, I think it will help with my sleep issues.

Thanks to everyone and welcome to my new followers. I am trying to stay positive about the whole delay in surgery issue, rationally I know it is for the best. I tell myself a lot of people have to wait for insurance approval, I didn't have that issue and when I do get that band I will have a better chance at success because my surgeon is being so thorough (Thanks Dr. Dietrick). It's funny that my surgeon's name almost looks like Diet trick. I have been using Drazil's mantra from the book she is reading "but it doesn't matter" to deal with a lot of other stressful thing

Well I will holla at you folks later.....PEACE AND HAIRGREASE!

p.s. Even reading this post you can see how my brain is all over the place...Adult A.D.D. (undiagnosed) at its finest.

B.Y.O.C. I DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY FOR THIS CRAZY!!!

BYOC everyone! 5 questions - some funny, some serious - we answer in our blogs to get to know each other better and to ease our fried brains on Fridays!

1. Love or money? High salary or job satisfaction?

* I think I would chose the love of money, no seriously I would chose love because I know some miserable, lonely people that have plenty of money.
Is it too much to want both since I'm kinda broke right now I would say high salary I have a job now that doesn't have job satisfaction and doesn't have the perk of high salary

2. What is your favorite time of day?

* I am definitely a nocturnal person, when everything is a rest and quiet is what I love, followed by a close second to the time I pick my son up at school, I love seeing his face and him telling me how his day went, I don't know if that will ever get old.

3. Do you have a will? Did you tell anyone your wish to be kept alive or not?

* No I don't but I am working on it, I have a had the discussion about pulling the plug with my mom but need to do something formally in case I survive her. I want my son to live with my and hopefully his dad will respect my wishes.

4. Repeat question. Pick one thing for one day you'll do next week that aids in your physical or mental health.

* Find a way to get more sleep, I have problems quieting my mind so I need to work on altering my nighttime routine to encourage sleep.

5. Repeat questions. Make someone a superstar for a moment...whose comment or blog stuck with you this week and why.

* This week I thought I would do something different my superstars are my followers who have been keeping me encouraged when I feel like losing my mind. I appreciate each and every comment and I think of you guys when I want to cry!

What's a girl gotta do get a band around here

I'm gonna keep this short to keep from crying. I went to the surgeon today and everything is good except being the great and thorough surgeon he is he wants to take my case before a tumor board (say what now). Its a board made up of pathologists, oncologists, and other -gists, anyways he wants to take my file to them to get a final ok to do the band. One of his colleagues suggested maybe waiting 6 mos and doing and endoscopy to make sure, he doesn't think that is necessary but to make sure to do the safest thing for me he wants to get a final say so from this board (who only meet once a month). While I love him and he is a really sweet guy I almost think he is too good at his job and while I am grateful considering this is a life and death situation and this will ensure less possible complications if/when I am banded, it is very frustrating.
I am tired of being fat, I want some help but I guess I'm gonna have to attempt it again the old fashioned way, this roller coaster is getting to me. I am not giving up but I need to be doing something in the meantime it's driving me bananas.
I really wanted to cry after talking to him but I told myself this is happening for a reason, but when I walked my fat ass outside in this 100 degree weather I was like it's really too damn hot to be fat and thighs rubbing lol.
So I am going do what I can and try not to drive myself bonkers with the band issue. I had been counting the days until this appointment and I'm going to try not to comfort myself with food although I did promise a fellow bandster Cindylew I would do some "research" on the new late night cheeseburger Doritos, she was wondering how they got the pickle flavor in there and I said I would sacrifice and look into it just for her lol.
Okay so this post isn't so short and I don't want you guys to feel bad for me just wanted to let you guys know the deal before I went to bed I've kinda been in a funk all day.

Oh yeah I feel like there is an exclusive club that i keep getting denied access to...KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK let me in!

So sorry

Today in Tampa

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I went away to visit a friend this weekend and she has no internet access (who does that?). I know there are millions of you secretly lurking out there that hang onto my everyword and I am sorry I have left you waiting with baited breath for my next move.

I have an appointment tomorrow to see my surgeon and hopefully get a new date, yesterday I did really good with eating but today I don't feel myself and I have eaten crap and now I feel worse not just mentally but actually physically.

This weekend while in Jacksonville I realized the inside of my right thigh was swollen, initially I thought chub rub, but it was really weird and I felt I was walking unevenly. I touched my leg and sure enough it was swollen and because of the recent surgeries my mom urged me to go to an urgent care clinic. The doctor there said it looked like a bite although she didn't see puncture wounds. So that was $35. (thanks to insurance) for peace of mind.

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July and I'm glad I was in Jacksonville instead of here in Tampa because apparently it rained all weekend.

B.Y.O.C. I GOT CRAZY IN BUCKETS!!!

BYOC is 5 little questions – some funny, some serious – that we answer to get to know each other better and it’s a free blog topic for Fridays when our blog brains are fried before the weekend! Feel free to join us! Post the questions and answers in your own blog! (Courtesy of Drazil)

1. Seeing that it’s a patriotic holiday of sorts I thought of this one: Where were you on September 11th?• I was at work and we actually heard about the first crash on the phone and I worked for Time Warner at the time so we called our counterparts in New York and told them and they were like what... and then they looked out the window and said we'll call you back. I remember President Bush was here in the area that day and even though the news was saying he was in the air we knew he was down at Central Command here in Tampa which was straight down the street from where we were. I sent my son's father to my son's preschool to pick him up because it was on a college campus that I attended at that time and didnt know if there would be anymore targets. That day in my mind is crazy still, is this really happening? is the world as we know it coming to an end? And in a way it did!
.2. What is your idea of fun? If given the chance to skip work/life for an entire day, what would you do? (assume you’d be by yourself)• I would fly to Paris for lunch and treat myself to a spa package I mean the works the whole shebang. I would finish that with just some quiet time and pray that I can shut my brain off and truly relax.
3. Suggestion from a follower. Some blog questions. How many blogs do you follow? 24 Do you read them all or just your faves? I read every one as they come up on my Dashboard but I also read a lot of others regularly that for some reason I don't officially follow, kinda just started actually "following" in the last couple of weeks. Do you comment a little, a lot, on all? I am getting better I was a lurker forever but having my own blog and seeing how much comments mean to me I feel obligated to comment, but I don't comment just for the sake of it, I either have something to contribute or I just feel moved to do so. Have you ever unfollowed someone because of something they said or you didn’t like their blog? No, well not yet, it would have to be pretty far out there and I usually try to get a good sense of the blog by reading the archive to find out if I will like it before I follow. Do you routinely unfollow and why? Again not yet, let me say that instead of "following" blogs I would save them to my favorites on my computer and if they don't post on a semi-regular basis I will delete from my favorites, it's a quality thing.
4. Repeat question. Pick one day and one healthy thing you’ll do for just that day next week. I am going to kick my coke habit again in preparation of my next round of pre-op dieting that is sure to come, I have let the crack back in my life in a small way and its time to get that monkey of my back for good. first step is admitting you have a problem. Okay you guys know I mean the real thing Coca Cola doncha?
5. Repeat "Make someone a superstar" question. Whose blog or blog comment stuck with you this week and why? I feel like I'm always saying Draz but she goes there, the poem about her uncle left me speechless and the updates on her vajayjay keep me in tears, she rocks absolutely positively.
Amy's peek in the glass closet, the courage that it takes to put yourself out there, to go with what makes you happy despite what other think, it's inspirational she's inspirational, not to mention that when I saw an earlier picture of her and her girl together the thought that they could be a couple seriously crossed my mind briefly.
And all of the NSV victories, Stephanie finding her long lost chin, Grace and her weightloss in her feet (happens to me too) and many more. I love you all and thanks for sharing your life with us and keeping us motivated.