Days since surgery

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Opted out

Sometimes I feel like I opted out of my 30's, now that 40 is looming I sometimes regret having spent my 30's so overweight, so many missed opportunities, things that I passed on because of my weight. I sometimes wish I were more like Amy W. with the whole reverse body dysmorphic disorder because she never stop fully living. I hate that my son has missed out on things and lacks the confidence that he should have and I think that is a reflection on me. Now don't get me wrong I'm not a person that thinks I'm ugly or doesn't date or anything like that, but that whole not participating in things because I don't to run in to people that knew me when.

I think that can be a curse from being in the "in" crowd in high school, hell I was president of the entire student body, I ran assemblies and made morning announcements, everyone knew me. Well when you let your weight get so far out of control that old popularity can become a burden.

I am excited to now have a real chance to change my life, I know it's not too late, I know things happen when they are supposed to but I hope it is not too late to set an example for my son. I don't want him to allowed fear to stop him from living the life he is supposed to live. Even before the weight issue I developed a fear of failure and of taking chances. I saw myself as a realist a person who weighed the pros and cons, but I know now I used that as an excuse to not do things. I became a self-saboteur and now it pisses me off.

I should have been the attorney I dreamed of being since I was a baby, I should have written the books that I have literally felt called to write since I was young (ironically my son has been writing books since he was 3/4 years old when I taught him to read), but I get in my own way.
One of the reasons I think my weight got out of control is because it provided that excuse not to live, I have a personality that tends to make people cater to me, I am always popular at work or anywhere even when I don't want to be. It is my blessing and my curse.

But now I am choosing life and life more abundantly, I am going to have my own best interest at heart. I can do this and Sasha is gonna make it possible...

4 comments:

amandakiska said...

It sounds like you are a perfectionist and your fear of not doing things perfectly has left you feeling as if you cannot do certain things. Perhaps becoming overweight was your way of giving yourself permission to not be perfect and avoid doing things that you fear you can't do perfectly.

Don't worry about missing out on your 30's. Your future is looking bright! Many people live their entire lives without figuring out how to

Stephanie said...

It's never too late...You are doing something great for yourself now and I am so happy for you!!

Michelle said...

Like Stephanie said it's never too late! Enjoy your life now. :)

DiZneDiVa said...

i just had the surgery this year and I turned 41 a few months later... so i get the wish you did this sooner thing but we are on our way now, right? *Maria*-blogger from "This one time at BAND Camp..." Follow my journey at mybigfatbandgeeklife.blogspot.com