Sometimes I feel like I opted out of my 30's, now that 40 is looming I sometimes regret having spent my 30's so overweight, so many missed opportunities, things that I passed on because of my weight. I sometimes wish I were more like Amy W. with the whole reverse body dysmorphic disorder because she never stop fully living. I hate that my son has missed out on things and lacks the confidence that he should have and I think that is a reflection on me. Now don't get me wrong I'm not a person that thinks I'm ugly or doesn't date or anything like that, but that whole not participating in things because I don't to run in to people that knew me when.
I think that can be a curse from being in the "in" crowd in high school, hell I was president of the entire student body, I ran assemblies and made morning announcements, everyone knew me. Well when you let your weight get so far out of control that old popularity can become a burden.
I am excited to now have a real chance to change my life, I know it's not too late, I know things happen when they are supposed to but I hope it is not too late to set an example for my son. I don't want him to allowed fear to stop him from living the life he is supposed to live. Even before the weight issue I developed a fear of failure and of taking chances. I saw myself as a realist a person who weighed the pros and cons, but I know now I used that as an excuse to not do things. I became a self-saboteur and now it pisses me off.
I should have been the attorney I dreamed of being since I was a baby, I should have written the books that I have literally felt called to write since I was young (ironically my son has been writing books since he was 3/4 years old when I taught him to read), but I get in my own way.
One of the reasons I think my weight got out of control is because it provided that excuse not to live, I have a personality that tends to make people cater to me, I am always popular at work or anywhere even when I don't want to be. It is my blessing and my curse.
But now I am choosing life and life more abundantly, I am going to have my own best interest at heart. I can do this and Sasha is gonna make it possible...
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