There is nothing much new going on here and that's why my blog is stuck, I feel stuck. I feel like I am in limbo and I am fighting hard not get depressed about all the things going on in my life and realize that despite my issues I have it better than a lot of other people.
I found out that my paternal grandmother had to have her leg amputated today due complications from diabetes. I have not seen my grandmother in years and its a shame really because I don't live far from her, but we have never been particularly close and since she has been sick I am a little afraid of going to see her because after holding my maternal grandmother/best friend's hand as she took her last breath, I haven't been able to force myself to go. Sometimes I hate that I wasn't close to my paternal grandparents but being raised mostly by mom although my dad was always available his family had issues and there was a feeling a long time from what I gather that my mom wasn't "good" enough for my dad. My dad has eleven siblings and yet and still they were considered middle class. My mom's family moved here from a small town in Georgia and were poor for a long time, but my daddy loved my mom and they were married when my mom was like 16/17 and he was like 19/20, I trip out thinking that by 17 my mom was married with 2 small kids. My dad was in the army by the time I was born (2nd child) and they grew apart because my mom said by the time he finished with his enlistment she was no longer the little girl that he left.
Anyway on the weight front I am going to try to check out a gym this weekend since my ex is footing the bill. He wants me to join a branch of the gym he belongs to, although I can choose wherever I want, his gym seems cool except the only one near me is in this bourgie area where it looks like everyone works out all day, I am going to have to put my big girl panties on and venture in.
Before I go because I really should have my insomniac arse in bed, I am gonna borrow something from a post Amy W did this week about what she knows for sure.
I know for sure:
1. Nobody has it all together despite outward appearances, everyone has issues, doubts and fears.
2. There is always someone worse off then you, even your rock bottom could be a step up from someone else's bottoms.
3. Sometimes it's better to be the bad guy. In relationships someone has to know when to call it quits, in both love relationships and friendships sometimes there comes a time when if the parties are honest they know it is not working, but no one wants to call it. I think you should call it even if it makes you the bad guy, otherwise problems fester and it can become an ugly thing because it was allow to drag out longer than it should. I can honestly say I have never had an ugly breakup because I will be the bad guy if I have to. The same applies for toxic friendships, sometimes you have to remove yourself from the everyday in order to remain sane and remain friends.
The lyrics to a song by Chrisette Michele "Blame it on me" says it best:
(Chorus) Blame it on me, say it's my fault
Say that I left you outside in the cold with a broken heart
I really don't care, I ain't crying no more
Say I'm a liar, a cheater, say anything that you want as long as it over
(another verse) You thought it was meant to be, I admit so did I
Every once in a while you think you figured it out
Sometimes you're not right....
4. It takes too much energy to remain angry. It really does drain you and also it gives power to the person you are angry with. You better blow that ish out
5. Karma is a bitch, I honestly believe you reap what you sow. I know it is a worn cliche' but I believe in the power of the words. That's what allows me not to be a jealous person in relationships, I believe if someone is cheating or doing foul things, I don't have to look for it, things done in the dark will come to the light without any action on my part as long as I leave myself open to truth. Not that I am some deep person but I am learning to trust my intuition and knowledge of people, some of my friends say I have psychic powers but I don't, I just know people and most of the time I trust my instincts. Also I put nothing past anyone because we are all flawed humans, so I tend to be less shocked by people's behavior.
Okay let me end this loooooong post and I hope everyone is doing well and thanks for hanging in there with my piss poor blogging.
Happy Ninth Bandiversary to Me!
3 weeks ago