B.Y.O.C. BRING YOUR OWN CRAZY

BYOC my little bumblebees....we get to know each other better and we get a free blog topic for our fried brains! Join in if you want and ENJOY!
1. What is your favorite genre of movies? (comedy/romance/horror/action)
* I like movies period. I favor romantic comedies and action movies. But I also have a love for kids' movies, it really depends on my mood.
2. What do you order when you eat Chinese food?
* I love chinese food, I eat almost any of the meat and veggie dishes like beef and broccoli. I also love lo mein, fried rice, wonton soup, egg drop soup all of it...
3. Okay no one kill me for this one - and don't answer if you don't want to BUT I just saw some preview for Dr. Phil on swingers and I wondered - what's your take on swingers.....for it, against it, do it, would never do it, etc.?
* I say to each his own if it works for you do your thing. I personally couldn't see myself doing it because I can't separate my feelings like, I've never successfully had a one night stand, it always developed into some type of relationship.
4. Let's go back to a repeat question. Pick one thing you'll do one next week that is for your physical/mental health.
* I am going to get up the courage to join a gym
5. Repeat question. Which blog or comment stuck with you the most this week and why?
I like everyone felt for Draz and what she is going through, I was mad at Grace for losing weight during her pity party and I've pity partying for a month and haven't lost an ounce, lol. Kudos to Catherine and Grace for their progess pics. There are more but I am dozing at the computer so I can't think of them

Same old, same old

There is nothing much new going on here and that's why my blog is stuck, I feel stuck. I feel like I am in limbo and I am fighting hard not get depressed about all the things going on in my life and realize that despite my issues I have it better than a lot of other people.
I found out that my paternal grandmother had to have her leg amputated today due complications from diabetes. I have not seen my grandmother in years and its a shame really because I don't live far from her, but we have never been particularly close and since she has been sick I am a little afraid of going to see her because after holding my maternal grandmother/best friend's hand as she took her last breath, I haven't been able to force myself to go. Sometimes I hate that I wasn't close to my paternal grandparents but being raised mostly by mom although my dad was always available his family had issues and there was a feeling a long time from what I gather that my mom wasn't "good" enough for my dad. My dad has eleven siblings and yet and still they were considered middle class. My mom's family moved here from a small town in Georgia and were poor for a long time, but my daddy loved my mom and they were married when my mom was like 16/17 and he was like 19/20, I trip out thinking that by 17 my mom was married with 2 small kids. My dad was in the army by the time I was born (2nd child) and they grew apart because my mom said by the time he finished with his enlistment she was no longer the little girl that he left.
Anyway on the weight front I am going to try to check out a gym this weekend since my ex is footing the bill. He wants me to join a branch of the gym he belongs to, although I can choose wherever I want, his gym seems cool except the only one near me is in this bourgie area where it looks like everyone works out all day, I am going to have to put my big girl panties on and venture in.
Before I go because I really should have my insomniac arse in bed, I am gonna borrow something from a post Amy W did this week about what she knows for sure.
I know for sure:
1. Nobody has it all together despite outward appearances, everyone has issues, doubts and fears.
2. There is always someone worse off then you, even your rock bottom could be a step up from someone else's bottoms.
3. Sometimes it's better to be the bad guy. In relationships someone has to know when to call it quits, in both love relationships and friendships sometimes there comes a time when if the parties are honest they know it is not working, but no one wants to call it. I think you should call it even if it makes you the bad guy, otherwise problems fester and it can become an ugly thing because it was allow to drag out longer than it should. I can honestly say I have never had an ugly breakup because I will be the bad guy if I have to. The same applies for toxic friendships, sometimes you have to remove yourself from the everyday in order to remain sane and remain friends.
The lyrics to a song by Chrisette Michele "Blame it on me" says it best:
(Chorus) Blame it on me, say it's my fault
Say that I left you outside in the cold with a broken heart
I really don't care, I ain't crying no more
Say I'm a liar, a cheater, say anything that you want as long as it over
(another verse) You thought it was meant to be, I admit so did I
Every once in a while you think you figured it out
Sometimes you're not right....
4. It takes too much energy to remain angry. It really does drain you and also it gives power to the person you are angry with. You better blow that ish out
5. Karma is a bitch, I honestly believe you reap what you sow. I know it is a worn cliche' but I believe in the power of the words. That's what allows me not to be a jealous person in relationships, I believe if someone is cheating or doing foul things, I don't have to look for it, things done in the dark will come to the light without any action on my part as long as I leave myself open to truth. Not that I am some deep person but I am learning to trust my intuition and knowledge of people, some of my friends say I have psychic powers but I don't, I just know people and most of the time I trust my instincts. Also I put nothing past anyone because we are all flawed humans, so I tend to be less shocked by people's behavior.
Okay let me end this loooooong post and I hope everyone is doing well and thanks for hanging in there with my piss poor blogging.

Saga continues

I just realized that somewhere a post was lost I wanted to revisit it, those who have been reading awhile may remember that over the 4th of July weekend I had to visit a walk-in clinic due to some swelling in one of my thighs and I wanted to make sure it wasn't a blood clot, long story short the doctor says she believed it was an insect bite it didn't have the feel of a clot. Fast forward 2+ weeks and it's still there so I make a visit to my primary doctor who immediately says it's not an insect bite he thinks it may be a clot. Um excuse me WTF. He said that I needed to get an ultrasound done on my leg so they scheduled me an appointment for the next day(Thursday). So for the remainder of Wednesday I was a paranoid fool (no one knew though) thinking that when I go to sleep this clot is going to dislodge and go to my lungs, rationally I told myself that I've had for 2 weeks what's one more nite, but the cuckoo in me was still scared.
Bottom line is I got the ultrasound and it is definitely not a clot "Thank you Jesus", but now I am left with the obvious "what the hell is it", my doctor wants me to go and see a vascular specialist but I haven't been able to get an appointment prior to Aug 9th. My next appointment with my surgeon is on the 12th and I really wanted to have this resolved by then, but it seems like when I was calling around the docs were going on vacay...so I'm gonna try a couple more tomorrow.
I must say this has been the a frustrating process, I love the blogworld I've become a part of and I can't wait to get to the next step, and the thing is although I have been heavy for most of my adult life, I have been relatively healthy, prior to last year I had never spent the nite in the hospital except for when I gave birth to my son. Well now I'm like a smorgasbord of medical issues, but I am grateful to have the insurance and what I need to get it done, even though all this different opinions can make you batty. I know my time is coming and I can't wait. The good news is I spent time with an ex this weekend and he has offered to pay for a gym membership for me, it is very hard for me to accept things for people but I think I will let him know tomorrow that I accept his offer...
Well I'm going to end this now I have some more stuff to talk about but you guys are going to have to watch your blogroll with baited breath but I need to go to bed because my alarm will be going off in just a little over 3 hours...gonna started Monday off crazy!

Love you guys and thanks for the support! Excuse any typos...whew look at the time!

B.Y.O.C. BRING YOUR OWN CUCKOO!!!!

It’s time for BYOC Friday. Get to know your fellow bloggers better AND give your blogging brain a break! Enjoy!
1. Let’s brag a little….what’s the best perk you’ve ever had in your job (current or past)? Any employment counts - even if you’re a stay at home mom – you have perks (and the hardest job ever in my opinion)
.• I work at a cable company and I get free cable and internet service. This includes all the premium channels and discounts on PPV movies. Our parent company is in publishing so I get really good discounts on some magazines subscriptions, I have opportunities to be in parades, I've gotten free concert tickets, get to work at a lot of events (I don't because I lot of them are outside and that's another reason I want to lose this week. I also used to work for a major magazine publishing company we were the fulfillment side of the company and we ran catalogs for S.I. , WCW, and M. Stewart, so items from those catalogs people would spend 100's of dollars on we would get at employee sales for a couple bucks, I was too young to appreciate the M.Stewart household stuff then so I gave most of it away. Martha actually came down and walked through the center and we met some of the wrestlers, it was cool.
2. Do you ever lie in your blog? Not really lie, I leave things out because I don't want to be a drag but I tell the condensed version of events in the interest of keeping posts shorter
.3. What do you wear to bed? It varies, a lot of time nothing or tops no bottoms or bottoms no tops, I wear a little of nothing all the time I'm at home.
4. Where do you go for advice? Simply put, the refrigerator, I eat my issues rather than share them, I try to go to my mom sometimes, but I am the middle child and my siblings always have some bigger drama going so I feel I get lost in the shuffle, so I keep most things inside. Also I have very few people I consider friends and even with them it is hard for me to show weakness, it is something I have to work on.
5. Repeat question. Make someone a superstar without using a blog award. What comment or blog stuck with you the most this week and why? I've been a self absorbed blogger this week and so I have been neglectful in reading and commenting so can I take a pass on this question.

Living my own life

At what point in life do you get to stop living by others' expectations and do what you want to without guilt. I grew up thinking that my family loved me because they had to, and that none of them really liked me. I had a favorite aunt who really used to take my side and fought for me but she passed away when I was in a 6th grade. I remember it like yesterday I was already sad because I came in 2nd in the school spelling bee (nerd much) and then I get out of school and found out she had died.
Ok I digress, but really I feel like I have fought my family my whole life so then I became the person that does stuff to please even though I really didn't want to. I began to feel used like people called on me when they needed stuff but when they went to do something fun they called my sister. So rather than turn people down I sort of started to withdrawmy self and put on this demeanor that made people uncomfortable asking for stuff from me in the first place. The thing is, that is not really me either, but I prefer being perceived that way rather than being a person who is taken advantage of, but somewhere the real person gets lost.
I think that it's amazing that no one (probably myself included?) really knows who I am, I grew with an older sister I always felt that I had to measure up to, she was the natural athlete, I was a gifted student with athletic abilities, but I downplayed my intelligence to become an athlete like her because I felt more people got excited about sports than how many A's I got on my report card or what honor societies I got into. I remember seeing an old journal where I complained about being fat at 137lbs(now I weigh that in one leg) because at the time my sister was probably a size 0.
As you can see again my mind is all over the place, anyways, my mom is probably one of the most giving people I know, she had to help raise her brother and sister and by the age of 18 she was married with two kids. She has literally been taking care of people her whole life except for about a year she went to live in California and we stayed with my grandmother. She has helped raise her nieces and nephews, random strangers, when my grandmother got really sick, refused to put her in a nursing home and so she cut her business down to the bare minimum and took care of my "Bigma" until she took her last breath....ok now I'm crying. Even as we speak she has two teenage foster sons, she truly is amazing but she has missed out on a lot. She has made a lot of sacrifices but she is young enough to still want male company and do things but the path she has chosen to take is not conducive to dating and travelling.
I love her for what she does but she has this expectation that we should be the same way, right now my sister is working 4 days a week from 3:30pm to 2am and she has 2 kids ages 9 and 2, which means Wed-Fri I keep them until 2am and Saturday evenings my mom does. I have to get up to go to work at 5ish am so needless to say dealing with a 2 year old is not fun. My sister has this expectation that her family is supposed to help her just because, although I get help with my son occasionally and got more help when he was younger, I never expected it. I don't mind helping but 3 days a week is a lot, picking them up from 2 different places, making sure they eat, changing diapers, making sure baths are taken, put them to bed not to mention when school is in I have to help my son with his homework and cooking etc. My sister picks my son up and takes him to school everyday that's supposed to be a trade off, but I don't think so. She spends about 15 mins a day with him, I spend about 30 hours a week with hers. My mom says that we should be happy to help with each others kids, helping is one thing this a job, when am I supposed to have a life? My sister is getting married in October and I am ecstatic for her but when am I gonna have time to find someone and if I do find him when am I gonna get to spend time with him? My sister doesn't like staying home with her own kids, she tells people all the time she rather work than be home with them, she has two great kids but they are very needy when it comes to attention, my son is like me happy to spend time alone, he reads books and can amuse himself. My niece and nephew have to constantly be doing something to be seen, the 2 year old (niece) likes to scream at the top of her lungs for no reason. I love her to death but sometimes when she is here I want to be drunk or stoned REALLY BAD!
I feel like if I stop keeping them it will all fall on my mom, everyone will look at me like I'm the bad guy and if I ever need help with my son they are going to look at me sideways. But yet when I asked my mom to take another day, so we can be 2 and 2 at first she agreed then she said it was too much. But I'm supposed to be cool with it.
Should I care? Should I just revised the terms and say I will only do 2 days? I'm sorry for the long post but I am going through a bunch of things right now financially and you guys know about the surgery frustration and this is just adding to the stress to the point that sometimes I think about moving away from Tampa to escape the expectations....Am I crazy or selfish?

B.Y.O.C. Bring your on CRAZY!!!!

It’s give your brain a break Friday – BYOC! A whole blog entry ready for the taking….just copy and paste the questions into your blog and answer away. It’s our way of getting to know new and old bloggers a little better! Enjoy!

1. Because I’m going hardcore on Monday to lose my last 15 before vacation I’m curious….what’s the oddest diet you have tried? Or which ones have you tried and were any successful?
• Although I am a qualified diet expert, I didn't try a lot of fad diets because I'm a natural skeptic and I read too much so really besides some Slimfast, finding some success with Weight Watchers and just trying to cut back carbs (never strict low carb) I didn't do a lot of crazy things, although looking back my life was apparently put at risk when my doctor had me on phen/fen briefly but luckily I suck at remembering to take pills.
Oh yeah and when I took what is now ALLI, back then it was a prescription only drug and it was crazy because I remember (stop reading if you're squeamish) I thought I had to pass gas and I soiled my clothes with grease it was an Oil Poot...seriously it was weird and gross at the same time. When you pooped you'd see grease in the toilet...crazy.
2. Do you prefer baths or showers?
• I like the relaxation aspect of a bath but honestly as I get older baths gross me out, I feel like I'm marinating in my body filth, I know it's crazy, but I think about germs more now. I'm not OCD with it but it's stuff like baths and going to buffets and touching spoons to serve myself that everyone else has touched, things like that. Also before stores start putting out hand sanitizing wipes for the carts, shopping carts had starting grossing me out a bit.....okay maybe a little OCD.
3. What is your favorite breakfast food?
• G.R.I.T.S.....period. Bacon comes a close second, but there is nothing better for breakfast than grits. Maybe because I am a grit "Girl Raised In The South, I can eat them morning, noon and nite.
4. What’s your least favorite word?
• Let me get back to you on that
5. Repeat question…make someone a Superstar for a day! Whose blog or comment spoke to you or stuck with you the most this week and why?
Grace feels like a sister and I was having a rough week so I commiserated with her.
Amy W. and the fact that she survived running in the Florida heat alone makes me want to "skin her and wear her like last season's Versace" (modified quote from Real Housewives of New Jersey). I can't breathe out there standing still.


p.s. once you get a certain size baths aren't as fun in regular sized tubs cause when you sit down all the water gushing over the top of the tub and makes a mess on the floor.....who wants to clean that up lol!

Bonus Post...

Hey today you get a two-fer. Here are some recent face shots sporting a new wig....lol!

I'm still here

I know it's bad, I just have been in a funk and I had every intention of joining Drazil on her Wish Wednesday bandwagon, but yesterday was kind of hectic and I didn't do it. Well I am going to post a pic from the weekend to show what I was up to Sunday. My sister is getting married on 10/10/10 and I am her maid of honor (although I was never asked to be). We picked out bridesmaids dresses Sunday and went to a new restaurant here called Brickhouse Tavern it was really cool but I swear the waitstaff and servers girls must've been instructed to find cutoff denim shorts from when you were 10 years old squeeze into them and that is your uniform. When it was time to bring the food to the table 4 came together each carrying a plate. I was like "whoa that's way too much coochie near the table". We also split a "beer bong" and no we weren't smoking dope its what they called the beer container which you see in the pic. I had chicken and waffles (so healthy I know) and it was really good and even better because they ended up comping it because there was a delay in serving it.

Other than that I still have not been getting much sleep I can't seem to turn my brain off and I haven't started getting back into any workout routine but i aim to change that, I think it will help with my sleep issues.

Thanks to everyone and welcome to my new followers. I am trying to stay positive about the whole delay in surgery issue, rationally I know it is for the best. I tell myself a lot of people have to wait for insurance approval, I didn't have that issue and when I do get that band I will have a better chance at success because my surgeon is being so thorough (Thanks Dr. Dietrick). It's funny that my surgeon's name almost looks like Diet trick. I have been using Drazil's mantra from the book she is reading "but it doesn't matter" to deal with a lot of other stressful thing

Well I will holla at you folks later.....PEACE AND HAIRGREASE!

p.s. Even reading this post you can see how my brain is all over the place...Adult A.D.D. (undiagnosed) at its finest.

B.Y.O.C. I DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY FOR THIS CRAZY!!!

BYOC everyone! 5 questions - some funny, some serious - we answer in our blogs to get to know each other better and to ease our fried brains on Fridays!

1. Love or money? High salary or job satisfaction?

* I think I would chose the love of money, no seriously I would chose love because I know some miserable, lonely people that have plenty of money.
Is it too much to want both since I'm kinda broke right now I would say high salary I have a job now that doesn't have job satisfaction and doesn't have the perk of high salary

2. What is your favorite time of day?

* I am definitely a nocturnal person, when everything is a rest and quiet is what I love, followed by a close second to the time I pick my son up at school, I love seeing his face and him telling me how his day went, I don't know if that will ever get old.

3. Do you have a will? Did you tell anyone your wish to be kept alive or not?

* No I don't but I am working on it, I have a had the discussion about pulling the plug with my mom but need to do something formally in case I survive her. I want my son to live with my and hopefully his dad will respect my wishes.

4. Repeat question. Pick one thing for one day you'll do next week that aids in your physical or mental health.

* Find a way to get more sleep, I have problems quieting my mind so I need to work on altering my nighttime routine to encourage sleep.

5. Repeat questions. Make someone a superstar for a moment...whose comment or blog stuck with you this week and why.

* This week I thought I would do something different my superstars are my followers who have been keeping me encouraged when I feel like losing my mind. I appreciate each and every comment and I think of you guys when I want to cry!

What's a girl gotta do get a band around here

I'm gonna keep this short to keep from crying. I went to the surgeon today and everything is good except being the great and thorough surgeon he is he wants to take my case before a tumor board (say what now). Its a board made up of pathologists, oncologists, and other -gists, anyways he wants to take my file to them to get a final ok to do the band. One of his colleagues suggested maybe waiting 6 mos and doing and endoscopy to make sure, he doesn't think that is necessary but to make sure to do the safest thing for me he wants to get a final say so from this board (who only meet once a month). While I love him and he is a really sweet guy I almost think he is too good at his job and while I am grateful considering this is a life and death situation and this will ensure less possible complications if/when I am banded, it is very frustrating.
I am tired of being fat, I want some help but I guess I'm gonna have to attempt it again the old fashioned way, this roller coaster is getting to me. I am not giving up but I need to be doing something in the meantime it's driving me bananas.
I really wanted to cry after talking to him but I told myself this is happening for a reason, but when I walked my fat ass outside in this 100 degree weather I was like it's really too damn hot to be fat and thighs rubbing lol.
So I am going do what I can and try not to drive myself bonkers with the band issue. I had been counting the days until this appointment and I'm going to try not to comfort myself with food although I did promise a fellow bandster Cindylew I would do some "research" on the new late night cheeseburger Doritos, she was wondering how they got the pickle flavor in there and I said I would sacrifice and look into it just for her lol.
Okay so this post isn't so short and I don't want you guys to feel bad for me just wanted to let you guys know the deal before I went to bed I've kinda been in a funk all day.

Oh yeah I feel like there is an exclusive club that i keep getting denied access to...KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK let me in!

So sorry

Today in Tampa

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I went away to visit a friend this weekend and she has no internet access (who does that?). I know there are millions of you secretly lurking out there that hang onto my everyword and I am sorry I have left you waiting with baited breath for my next move.

I have an appointment tomorrow to see my surgeon and hopefully get a new date, yesterday I did really good with eating but today I don't feel myself and I have eaten crap and now I feel worse not just mentally but actually physically.

This weekend while in Jacksonville I realized the inside of my right thigh was swollen, initially I thought chub rub, but it was really weird and I felt I was walking unevenly. I touched my leg and sure enough it was swollen and because of the recent surgeries my mom urged me to go to an urgent care clinic. The doctor there said it looked like a bite although she didn't see puncture wounds. So that was $35. (thanks to insurance) for peace of mind.

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July and I'm glad I was in Jacksonville instead of here in Tampa because apparently it rained all weekend.

B.Y.O.C. I GOT CRAZY IN BUCKETS!!!

BYOC is 5 little questions – some funny, some serious – that we answer to get to know each other better and it’s a free blog topic for Fridays when our blog brains are fried before the weekend! Feel free to join us! Post the questions and answers in your own blog! (Courtesy of Drazil)

1. Seeing that it’s a patriotic holiday of sorts I thought of this one: Where were you on September 11th?• I was at work and we actually heard about the first crash on the phone and I worked for Time Warner at the time so we called our counterparts in New York and told them and they were like what... and then they looked out the window and said we'll call you back. I remember President Bush was here in the area that day and even though the news was saying he was in the air we knew he was down at Central Command here in Tampa which was straight down the street from where we were. I sent my son's father to my son's preschool to pick him up because it was on a college campus that I attended at that time and didnt know if there would be anymore targets. That day in my mind is crazy still, is this really happening? is the world as we know it coming to an end? And in a way it did!
.2. What is your idea of fun? If given the chance to skip work/life for an entire day, what would you do? (assume you’d be by yourself)• I would fly to Paris for lunch and treat myself to a spa package I mean the works the whole shebang. I would finish that with just some quiet time and pray that I can shut my brain off and truly relax.
3. Suggestion from a follower. Some blog questions. How many blogs do you follow? 24 Do you read them all or just your faves? I read every one as they come up on my Dashboard but I also read a lot of others regularly that for some reason I don't officially follow, kinda just started actually "following" in the last couple of weeks. Do you comment a little, a lot, on all? I am getting better I was a lurker forever but having my own blog and seeing how much comments mean to me I feel obligated to comment, but I don't comment just for the sake of it, I either have something to contribute or I just feel moved to do so. Have you ever unfollowed someone because of something they said or you didn’t like their blog? No, well not yet, it would have to be pretty far out there and I usually try to get a good sense of the blog by reading the archive to find out if I will like it before I follow. Do you routinely unfollow and why? Again not yet, let me say that instead of "following" blogs I would save them to my favorites on my computer and if they don't post on a semi-regular basis I will delete from my favorites, it's a quality thing.
4. Repeat question. Pick one day and one healthy thing you’ll do for just that day next week. I am going to kick my coke habit again in preparation of my next round of pre-op dieting that is sure to come, I have let the crack back in my life in a small way and its time to get that monkey of my back for good. first step is admitting you have a problem. Okay you guys know I mean the real thing Coca Cola doncha?
5. Repeat "Make someone a superstar" question. Whose blog or blog comment stuck with you this week and why? I feel like I'm always saying Draz but she goes there, the poem about her uncle left me speechless and the updates on her vajayjay keep me in tears, she rocks absolutely positively.
Amy's peek in the glass closet, the courage that it takes to put yourself out there, to go with what makes you happy despite what other think, it's inspirational she's inspirational, not to mention that when I saw an earlier picture of her and her girl together the thought that they could be a couple seriously crossed my mind briefly.
And all of the NSV victories, Stephanie finding her long lost chin, Grace and her weightloss in her feet (happens to me too) and many more. I love you all and thanks for sharing your life with us and keeping us motivated.

Over the hurdle

Thanks for all the love and support, you guys really know how to make a girl feel better. Well the appointment with the oncologist is over and I was given the all clear. Due to the size, location and the lack of cells dividing they are pretty confident that the odds of the tumor reoccurring are pretty slim, although can't say 100% but as close to 100% as they can get. Whew, what a relief! There are no precautions I can take because these tumors are apparently not lifestyle related and are pretty rare in general, and in respect to the criteria they use to study the tumor mine were on the lowest end or non-existent so I feel good. So thanks for the prayers and the good mojo you guys sent my way.

So getting that good news, finding out that Drazil's giner is still clear,knowing that Grace is losing mad amounts of foot weight, and Amy is compromising her port with kinky stuff really made my day. Now back to the surgeon next week to schedule my surgery.

Again I want to say thanks to all of you for the love and encouragement.