I just don't know

I know it has been a while but this has been a hectic and dare I say somewhat discouraging time for me I am in a plateau and frankly didn't think I would hit it this early in the journey.  I think I lost more weight in Weight Watchers and I eat so much less than I did then.  I think today the vegetarian thing comes to an end, my son quit yesterday and I don't feel like I have been getting enough protein and iron but more importantly due to my financial situation right now, I can't afford the variety of things that would make this more appealing.
I have been avoiding blogland because mentally it's been hard, I have said it before I feel like people are looking for me to have lost more weight.
I had another fill and not I officially have about 4.8ccs in my band and my doc says that most people get in a good spot about 5.5ccs with the band I have, so hopefully I'm getting close.  But I have been eating so much better than ever before but the scale just hates me, sometimes I wonder if I'm not eating enough, my water drinking has sucked, so I am determined to do better. 
My 40th birthday is tomorrow and I am upset that financially I am unable to celebrate it like I want to, although I definitely feel blessed to have made it this far.  With this birthday I am recommitting myself to turning my financial and weight loss situation around.  I have many things I want to do and I am determined that my 40's will be more productive than my 30's when I felt like I watched life happen. I want to make life happen and you guys can hold me to that.
I won't apologize any more for lack of blogging but just know that I think about you guys often and I know you guys are there for my support but I have still not learn how to completely open up, I have been shielding myself and internalizing my whole life, I am committed to changing that as well so please bear with me.

Update again soon...love you guys, smooches!

Still alive....stolen quote for the day!