Stolen Quote of the day

Do the things you used to talk about doing but never did. Know when to let go and when to hold on tight. Stop rushing. Don't be intimidated to say it like it is. Stop apologizing all the time. Learn to say no, so your yes has some oomph. Spend time with the friends who lift you up, and cut loose the ones who bring you down. Stop giving your power away. Be more concerned with being interested than being interesting. Be old enough to appreciate your freedom, and young enough to enjoy it. Finally know who you are.”


- Kristin Armstrong

Stolen from here

PEOPLE ARE DREAMING OF ME

Okay let me tell you guys something that is very crazy.  I may have mentioned before that there is a young tenderoni (showing my age) 23 years old that has had a crush on my for the past 4 years.  We talk from time to time I feel like his big sister most of the time and but ultimately he is good for my ego.
Well the tenderoni sends me a text saying that he had a dream about me and at first I was afraid of what he was going to say but he said "nothin freaky you were extra skinny (he doesn't know about surgery) though and your eyes were sooooooo beautiful i was nervous to speak to you" he also told me he almost didnt recognize me at first.  I was like yea you wer dreaming.
Fast forward about a week later I get an email from a former co-worker who retired in January she knows I had the surgery because I referred her to my doctor and she consequently had the surgery as well.  Well she now lives in the mountain, anyways....she emails me saying that she had a dream of me the night before and in her dream I was really skinny and had on this beautiful dress and...SHE ALMOST DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME.  It really freaked me out for her to use some of the same words that the Tenderoni used.  I emailed her back and told her that I hope to make her dreams come true.  He said beautiful eyes and she said beautiful dress well I'm just hoping for the skinny part lol!
  I wish I had good news on the weight loss front but I had to get my last fill removed because I got to a point where I couldn't even drink anything.  My doctor says I will probably need to come back and get a smidge of it put back in (ok he didn't use the word smidge).  I am trying to not get discourage by this lack of progress and I had been doing well on the exercise front (and by well it just means I was doing some) but since I have started the second job I haven't been motivated to exercise, every free moment I am trying to spend time with my son, get some resemblance of order in my apartment or go to sleep.  But I know this is life and death and I am going to make the time

Finally good restriction...but I have been spoiled

I have finally gotten to the point that I've been reading about like forever, where certain things get stuck, pbing is a reality, fine chewing and slow eating is a must.  Because of that I realized how spoiled I've been because apparently I haven't been chewing food up as well as I thought I was.  As a matter of fact I was trying to eat some spaghetti and got stuck immediately when i pb'd there were clearly whole strands of spaghetti that didn't have any teeth marks at all like I just slurped it down.  One day it seemed like I couldn't eat anything because a couple of days prior I'd had tooth extractions one on either side of my mouth so optimal chewing level could not be obtained and my band just seemed super duper tight.
It gets frustrating at times because sometimes when I eat by the time I have chewed my first two bites my food is cold and I've been having some rough times financially so it is really hard for me to feel like I'm wasting food.  I struggle with that a lot and but I am coming to the realization that this is what I signed up for and if a little food gets wasted it will be worth it as I waste away lol.
Oh and the joy of shopping in my closet....hoarding has its advantages in this lapband journey.  I feel like I've talked about this before but I'm too lazy to check.  But I watch Hoarders and now on the new OWN network I watch Enough Already with Peter Walsh and I know the rules, if you havent worn it in a year get rid of it.  Well damn it I'm glad I don't follow rules because due to the current financial crisis and although I havent lost a ton of weight and care most of my old clothes (albeit some may or may not have elastic bands that go on ponytails looped around the first belt loop and the button to make the waist fit better) I have been able to wear clothes that I haven't worn in forever and some I've never worn. 
*WARNING--HIP HOP SLANG WILL FOLLOW* Yea I be poppin' tags!  That statement is pretty self explanatory it is used when you have new items and you are taking the price tags off for the first time.  My sister recently had a baby shower and I wore a cute denim dress that I have had since about 2006 when I was losing weight on WW but I had never worn it and never took tags off.  Everyone loved the dress and my sis thought I'd been shopping (she knows my finances) I said "Yep right in my walk in closet".  So even when the scale hasn't been as generous to me as I would like those NSVs keep my head in the game.
My water intake still leaves a lot to be desired but my activity level has improved dramatically, I have been using the Exercise On Demand channel and doing a 1 mile walking workout and I've been combining it with a short get started workout by The Biggest Loser contestants.  Also I live on the 3rd floor of my apartment complex and I've been taking the stairs a lot more often, which is huge for me because Mimi don't do stairs.

One last thing, I am down 50lbs from my weight before the pre-op diet started which I've been thinking was my heaviest weight.  Oh how we forget...I found a WW book from 2009 where I weighed 9lbs heavier than what I've been thinking was my highest recorded weight, so I am 59lbs down from my highest recorded weight and when I thought about it that true highest weight is what made me start thinking about having lapband surgery again.

50lbs down finally!

The scale has started moving again since another fill last week and I have hit the 50 pound mark!  I will have a full post later today just wanted to share the good news.

I just don't know

I know it has been a while but this has been a hectic and dare I say somewhat discouraging time for me I am in a plateau and frankly didn't think I would hit it this early in the journey.  I think I lost more weight in Weight Watchers and I eat so much less than I did then.  I think today the vegetarian thing comes to an end, my son quit yesterday and I don't feel like I have been getting enough protein and iron but more importantly due to my financial situation right now, I can't afford the variety of things that would make this more appealing.
I have been avoiding blogland because mentally it's been hard, I have said it before I feel like people are looking for me to have lost more weight.
I had another fill and not I officially have about 4.8ccs in my band and my doc says that most people get in a good spot about 5.5ccs with the band I have, so hopefully I'm getting close.  But I have been eating so much better than ever before but the scale just hates me, sometimes I wonder if I'm not eating enough, my water drinking has sucked, so I am determined to do better. 
My 40th birthday is tomorrow and I am upset that financially I am unable to celebrate it like I want to, although I definitely feel blessed to have made it this far.  With this birthday I am recommitting myself to turning my financial and weight loss situation around.  I have many things I want to do and I am determined that my 40's will be more productive than my 30's when I felt like I watched life happen. I want to make life happen and you guys can hold me to that.
I won't apologize any more for lack of blogging but just know that I think about you guys often and I know you guys are there for my support but I have still not learn how to completely open up, I have been shielding myself and internalizing my whole life, I am committed to changing that as well so please bear with me.

Update again soon...love you guys, smooches!

Still alive....stolen quote for the day!

New Pics

before

before









now @ 2mos out 42lbs down




now @ 2months out 42lbs down







Stolen Thought

Stolen thought for the day....I "borrowed" it from here!

Vegetarian food review: Veggie Patch Meatballs get two snaps up

As you all know my son and I are doing this vegetarian and so far so good, I've lost the weight I had gained and a little more as of today, but official weigh in is not until Friday and considering this is the week of my cycle I pray I can stay down. 

Anyhoo, just wanted to say I tried these vegetarian meatballs, because my son is such a meat addict I have to succumb to the faux meat until we find more veggies he likes.  So I made him a meatball sub with marinara sauce on fresh hoagie roll, I had one too except couldn't eat a lot of the bread.  It was good and I must say if I hadn't known I was eating faux meat I wouldn't have guessed.  My son killed his so that's a good sign as well.....so Veggie Patch Meatless Meatballs gets two snaps up!!

p.s. my water intake sucks and thats one area I'm usually good with...gotta get that together too.

UPDATE *disclaimer, I found out that these meatballs have textured vegetable protein which may not be all that great...more on that later

Fill number 3 is in the history books.

I got my 3rd fill yesterday and so far it seems that I actually have restriction, I won't speak too soon we will see in a couple of days.  The vegetarian thing is going pretty good so far, still having cheese and probably will for a while even though maybe once I get more acclimated I may transition to vegan. 
We have this restaurant called Evo's that offers properly raised beef hamburger as well as vegetarian and even vegan burgers, the fries there are airbaked and I took my son there because I'm proud that he stuck this out this week.  My son ate, slept, and breathed ground beef so this is more of a sacrifice for him and it's not like I'm making him do it, he is actually the reason I cut off meat cold turkey (no pun intended ha), the original plan was to transition. 
While at Evos, I observed that out of all the mom's that came in and out with their kids I was the only one above a size 2/4 and for those that actually sat in, none of them ordered their own food, they picked off their kids plate...I was like oh so starving is the key lol.
I promised pictures and they are coming the ones my son took are crappy and the lighting was bad so we are going to take some outside this weekend and I will post them.
Everyone have a good weekend, I think I may go see Unstoppable the new Denzel movie tomorrow, but I will keep you guys posted.

Vege...what?

After the last post on bacon, my son and I were in the bookstore this past weekend (we are there at least twice a week) I picked up a book I had seen on a previous visit, it is pictured above.  Let me preface this by saying that I have been attracted to the vegetarian/vegan lifestyle for years but could never make the commitment.  The closest I came is going about 5-6 years with no red meat or pork.  Well I started browsing this book and reading to my son some of the things they said about the slaughterhouses ( I will spare you the details) and we started talking about trying to become vegetarian and I was shocked because my son is the hamburger king. 
We made a plan to eliminate pork first (alas no bacon), then we would eliminate red meat...etc.  Well by the time we read some more he was like mom let's just do them all now.  Well of course I can't be the weak one so I agreed so I am now on day 4 of vegetarianism.  We haven't eliminate cheese yet so we are not all the way end at this point, he says his ultimate goal is to become vegan (we'll see).
I checked with the nutritionist at his school and everyday they provide vegetarian options which is good.  I had to tell Mr. Anti-veggie dude that he is not going to be a carb vegetarian, he needs to actually eat more veggies besides broccoli with cheese (he claims he likes, Ive never seen him eat), raw carrots and salad oh yeah and faux meat. 
So that's the plan, wish us luck.  Oh yeah and I go in for my 3rd fill Thursday right now, I'm about 2lbs from my lowest and I pray that this next fill gets me closer to the sweet spot.  I have been doing some resistance bands exercises but have yet to do a full sweat workout of any kind, I am ashamed to say.  Tomorrow is my 2 month bandiversary and I will post pics and break a sweat....that is my vow to you!!! lol

Fat Kid Loves Bacon

A kid after my own heart...bacon is good for me...Enjoy.

Not losing weight and frustrated..

I knew it could happen but I think we all secretly think it wont happen to us...the scale is up 4-5lbs from my lowest and it started with my cycle but it hasnt disappeared and my eating has been crap so I know why.  I don't have restriction and I'm in the bandster hell I've read about and I don't like it. 
Plus I feel like everyone is watching me, my sister asked me today how much I've lost I said well on any given day between 38-42lbs and she says well thats really not alot, really bitch I bet you can't do it in 2 months.  Because when you count the presurgery diet...(which excuse me people is all willpower) and this hell that I'm in now with no restriction, this weight was lost through my effort, not from the band. 
But I can't make excuses I want this to bad...so I'm going to schedule me another fill next week, but this week I'm getting real basic even breaking out the protein shakes almost pre-op style, the thought of going up in weight is making me depressed and depression makes me want to eat. I gotta get my head right though and persevere I can't go back and losing weight feels so good. 
I apologize again for my lackluster blogging, but even this post tonight took effort because I'm in such a funk and I am the type to hold bad feelings in because I don't feel like people get me, a prime example is the b.s. my sister said to me today, how would I ever be able to go to her and explain what I'm going through she is already looking at me like I failed.
I will keep you guys posted on my progress this week!
p.s. apologize again for the last post about bodily functions but it weirds me out.

What happened to silent Farts!

I just read Amy W's blog and it made me remember something that I've meaning to ask you guys, I get gas daily, not always the painful kind but just "I gotta fart" type gas.  But what has happened to my fart I no longer have short, small farts EVER.  THEY DON'T GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT EVER!!! They are loud and long and if I'm really honest they come in both scented and unscented but they are sooooooo long and sooooooooooooooooo loud, I can't dare try to sneak one out anywhere, ever.  I want my old farts back...not cool and not ladylike at all...
I know all of this is TMI but who else can help me but you guys!!

First time stuck...check!

Well Saturday I took my bestie and my flirt buddy some Popeye's chicken on their lunch break.  So we are all sitting there chatting and laughing and I break off a little piece of biscuit. I popped said little piece of biscuit in my mouth and chewed a little but in the midst of running my darn mouth I swallowed it and as it was going down I'm thinking will it get stuck, but I said nah nothing gets stuck and the piece wasn't that big. But it sat there and I could feel it.  I didn't know if the legendary sliming would start so I asked quickly to be let in the building to get some ice and while inside and getting ice and pretending to be engaged in what was on tv I was stretching my hands above my head (a friend said it works) and kept swallowing I sipped a bit of water (tiny bit) and after a little while I felt it going down.  So no sliming and it didn't come back up, but I have learned my lesson (I think), less talking more chewing.

Saturday my son was spending the night at my ex's house, so although it was not in the budget I got me a hotel room and stayed there all by my lonesome.  I really needed to rest because I don't know if I have fully gotten into it here but I am temporarily staying at my mom's house, I am wating for my newly married sister to find a place and I am going to take over her place.  She has bargain rent for a great amount of space in an ideal location.  Having said that my son is on one couch and I am on another, my mom has two foster kids and they each have their own room but we sleep in the middle of the house and because I'm a light sleeper I don't feel like I am ever fully rested.  So I got a nice room and slept and watched t.v. I had planned to blog but it was my first time pulling out my laptop since my sister's wedding weekend and it looks like they left my power cord in the hotel room, I just ordered that cord and the housekeeping department won't call me back so I am going to have to pay them a visit.
Oh and some chick called the room I was staying in and when I answered there was a pause and she says "Obviously I got the wrong number" I was like okay and then she asked for someone Sheldon? or something like that I was like no you have the wrong number. 
Well after I took a nap and ran out to grab something to eat I was watching tv and heard a knock at the door, but no one knew where I was so at first I thought maybe it was next door.  Then they knocked again so I went and answer by looking through the peephole and it was a lady basically saying that she was the one that had called earlier and that she was looking for some dude and he had lost his phone and that this room was the last place she knew him to be.  I told her well he is not here (all this through the door) and she stood there for a while like she didn't believe me and then she finally says ok thanks but still seemed hesitant about leaving.  I said dang drama is following me and I don't even know these people.
On the weight front I am up about 4lbs from my lowest and fluctuating around 40lbs down, I am focusing on my eating again and I am tempted to go for another fill but I am going to give it another week or two and see what happens.

Something to think about, I stole from another blog

I try and keep my promises

My sister's weddding went well, it wore us out though we had a bridesmaid/wedding coordinator drop out about 4 days before the wedding so all new decor had to be wrangled because she was provided the table decorations.  My sister basically offended the whole bridal party so there was this tension that I was afraid it was gonna ruin the whole weekend.  Luckily we got past that because as maid of honor, although offended, I had to stay focused on the big picture and be the middle man.  My mom upset me because she tried to justify my sister's behavior as usual, she wonders why I keep most of emotions inside because these people don't get me and my older sister has always been the one that needs all this attention and tiptoeing (sp) around.  I will post pics from the wedding as soon as I get some.  Believe or not after the wedding weekend I had gained weight and I didn't eat a lot of real food but I think the grazing on crap on the go did the trick plus PMS is always good for some nice weight gain due to water retention.  Luckily it didn't take but a couple of days to get back to my pre-wedding weight but it has been fluctuating up and down about 1-2 lbs. 
My eating has been less than stellar, I've been eating too many carbs and not enough protein and it is reflecting in my energy level (lack thereof) and my lack of weight loss.  I am ready to get back on track I also went in for another fill this week and my doc says that Im just short of 4ccs but sometimes I feel like I don't have a band still.  I can't eat as much as I used to but I sometimes get hungrier sooner than I should, Dr. D. says that the average sweet spot for people with my band is around 5ccs but it is different with everyone but you have to take your time to get there.  My first thought was why not start with 5ccs and go down from there, but thats just my impatient ass.
I haven't been keeping up with blogs and obviously not posting but I am going to catch up this weekend.  I have just been so tired lately.  I have to get my energy up and I know that means I need to get my fatass moving, but on the exercise front I have "watched" quite a few exercise routines on tv this week....yes I have watched them but haven't quite made it off the couch yet lol!  My mom actually watched with me one night and we got a good laugh...baby steps people...baby steps.
I am anemic and I know because I haven't been up on my vitamins and because my cycle has been on that is the main reason for my low energy.  I have fibroids so when my cycle is on the blood loss is outrageous which leaves me drained.  Thankfully it's gone now so hopefully that and my lower carb intake will help.
I've noticed that when I eat pasta or rice during the day I instantly get tired, before I would eat pasta and maybe a couple of hours later feel sluggish but now I eat it and within 10 mins I want a nap so bad I could cry.  I had this nasty smart ones frozen pasta meal one day for lunch and I ate about half of it threw it away and within minutes couldn't keep my eyes open.  So that makes it easier for me to want to limit that stuff especially while I'm at work.
My best friend also got married last week, so I had 2 weddings in like 5 days, 1 on Sunday and then another one on Friday, but luckily his was just a small ceremony at a nice restaurant and I didn't have to "do" anything but be there and show my support.  As my dinner entree I chose this flounder stuffed with crabmeat and it was delish but the portion size was huge so I mostly at the crabmeat but still a good bit got thrown away and I have to start learning how to not feel bad about that.
A friend of mine who had the lapband about 5 years ago has recently been motivated to actively work her band again, becaus initially I think she got it because she could, lost about 40lbs and then got kind of content with where she was, I don't know if I motivated her or not but she has been actively working the band now.  We were talking about how she still struggle with not ordering the large size because it seems to be a better deal. like if the difference between the small and large is only 50 cent why not just get the large, but then you feel bad for wasting so you end up trying to eat or drink more than you want or should.  You might as well just get the small to begin with because the deal isn't a deal if you are throwing it away. 
Also dealing with what my grandma used to say "your eyes are bigger than your belly", and with the band that literally becomes true,  when you do get hungry you think hell I'm so hungry I can eat 10 chicken wings,  no you can't, physically you cannot, but we are so used to being able to put away the food, probably used to be able to eat damn near 20, but now more 5 is more realistic.  But ordering 5 wings just doesn't look like enough, but it is and when will our minds get that.
I realized that I have lost 10% of my body weight so I will be posting pics soon, well really the wedding pictures can represent that loss, but I get frustrated because I want to lose more faster, I am happy with my progress and I feel the difference in my clothes, but I still feel like because I'm so big 40lbs is barely noticeable whereas on someone smaller it would be huge...patience I know, but it is not my strong suit and I have to fight the urge to self sabotage, that's the old me, me and Beyonce have work to do, I want to be at least about 8lbs down for a total of 50lbs before my birthday in December, of course 60lbs down would be better but I am not setting myself up for that kinda pressure...

STILL ALIVE

Hey guys I know I suck as a blogger lately and promise a whole post tomorrow, but with 2 weddings in 5 days, it's been kinda hectic and they have issued this thing about posting to blogs at work so thats a no go.  I had my 2nd fill yesterday, I've been maintaining not losing anything additional and I will update you guys on all that tomorrow....thanks to those that haven't "quit" me yet it will get better.

First fill....check!!

Tuesday I got my first fill and it was anticlimatic...which was a good thing.  I expected pain or something, but after going through questions with the wonderful Wendy, the great Dr. D. the most wonderful surgeon ever, came in and he and a new nurse teamed up for my fill.  I was wondering how he was gonna find the port under all this fluff, I really can't feel it, I think I can a little but not like those of you who start this journey half the weight I started at.
Anyway he asked me if I was feeling brave, I said not particularly, he laughed he did the lidocaine numbing thing which was a tiny sting. and then he played around until he got the fill done.  I drank the required cup of water with no problem and he told me that in as little as a week if I feel no change I could come back for another.  I know he gave me 3ccs but I am not sure what I started with or my band capacity, (I know its a size large) and I forgot to ask.  Everyone was quite pleased with my progress and I felt proud of myself.
Everyday this week they have been dumping crap (candy, cookies etc) on my desk at work and I would be lying if I said I didn't eat 2 starburst one day, a Reese's individual peanut butter cup the day after my fill (it seem like a mushy food)  and 4 of these sour strings today.  It is customer service week and why they are loading us on sugar to thank us for doing a good job (i don't deal with customers directly) is beyond me.  Reward me with non-edibles thank you very much.
Official weigh in tomorrow so let's see what customer service week has done to my hiney parts and this weekend is my sister's wedding and remind me to tell you guys about the bridezilla text from hell she sent to her bridal party causing one of the bridesmaid who was also the coordinator to drop out. Oy vey!
I will check in tomorrow and give you all an update!

Oh yeah Whole Fruit sorbet from Publix rocks!  It's naturally fat free but not sugar free and it is delish in moderation of course.

I lost 3.4lbs in one day....yeah I know it's crazy.

Let's just face I'm not a model lapband patient, I eat some crap, exercise is still M.I.A. unless you count the endless store and mall walking I have done for this freaking wedding, and I weigh myself morning and night religiously.  I only change my ticker after official weigh in on Fridays, but trust me the scale is visited twice a day. Okay well I weigh myself for my official weight on Friday and then Saturday morning I was a full 3.4lbs down, okkkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy, I was like what happen in my sleep, did some make and incision and steal a vital organ, I weighed myself umpteen times same result.  I weighed my 2 year old niece her weight was consistent I was like okay I'm gonna have to check this scale out.
Well Thursday night I tried what used to be my favorite jeans on to wear to work on Friday although they zipped the muffin top (to put it nicely) couldn't be ignore and it felt like I was squeezing my insides into something unhealthy.  Well Saturday after the mysterious weighin that night I tried them on again, much looser, like I would wear them now, my muffin top was the one I'm used to seeing, it's crazy so unofficially I am down 40.2lbs but that won't be official until Friday. 
My 1st fill got rescheduled to Tuesday, so we will see what their scale says, last time I went there was like a .8lb difference between theirs and mine, I am worried that they will not give me a fill because I am losing weight, but I want it because I feel like I get hungry too fast, I am definitely eating less but I get like the real stomach growling hunger pains sooner than I think I should and I just ignore them because I feel otherwise I will be snacking all the time and defeat the purpose.
On another note my birthday goal of being down 45lbs will definitely be down if anything close to this pace continues.  Because I still have 11 weeks and only 4.8lbs left to reach it, pretty psyched about that!
Thanks to everyone for all the kind words and support, you guys make this journey so much easier.